Living in the Sandwich!

Daddy Bob Lessons

2010-09-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

It is September. Every September I get a lump in my throat about now...do a lot of reflecting, less talking...more listening and thinking. This week marks three years without Dad. It was this week that we spent together on Hospice floor in Abilene...when the world outside seemed far away while Dad slipped away. I miss him. It is now when I return to the blog site...go to the month of September and travel back through time to remember.

I often think of the way he leaned forward as he sat with his big ole' rough hands clasped together...and the way he chuckled. I miss his crusty take on life....his wise words....his politically incorrect... but right on target way of thinking. I just miss Him. He was not much for soft words....but I knew he had a soft spot in his heart for me...and I never ever wanted to disappoint him.

Lesson: My dad was generous. Now if you knew him you would laugh at that statement....because he was VERY tight with money. He was frugal....well...really....just tight! He was a saver...loved a good deal. He loved making a good deal. But...when it really came down to it....he was generous. If he knew you were in need....you could count on Dad. BUT...here was the deal. If he gave money to you it was a gift....no strings....no pay back....it was a gift. He didn't want you to go on and on about it....or even really acknowledge he had given you anything. He was notorious for slipping bills in your pocket and saying..."don't tell momma". Momma didn't care...but I just think he didn't want anybody thinking he had such a tender side.....We often heard from others that he had helped them out. He had a soft spot for folks down on their luck...or folks society had rejected for one reason or another. So he went about doing good quietly...in secret....and it made it all the more special to those of us on the receiving end. I learned about giving and receiving from my earthly father...which made the giving and receiving of gifts from the heavenly Father all the sweeter.

Lesson: Dad forgave. Make no mistake about it....when we messed up we paid the consequences. Many a time I behaved myself simply out of the fear of the wrath when I got home. It wasn't physical....just a "won't put up with it" authority that kept us in line. Dad separated the silly from the serious....we never wanted to disappoint him. What I really appreciated was when something was over....it was over. Your punishment phase was paid....then done. We didn't re-hash it....discuss it forever....it was done. As an adult I have come to appreciate his style more and more. Consequences, Forgiveness...Grace....Forgetfulness....hmmmm once again my Dad modeled for me heavenly qualities. Truthfully, I don't think he knew what he was doing. I doubt he planned to be or do what he was.....I think most parents just do the best they can. I think Dad was just a man of incredible integrity and common sense. He just followed his heart and lived as he believed was right.

Lesson: Dad laughed. He just got the biggest kick out of so many things. He told the best stories....and when he got tickled.....he was so funny. On his death bed....he called Guy and I to come in close....we leaned in expecting some revelation or some words from the heart.....he whispered, "I wanna tell you kids something...." We leaned in closer...."You're gonna have your hands full with your momma!" We pulled back, looked at each other....and all giggled. So much for heartfelt gut wrenching last thoughts. It was really just him.....being him.

Lesson: Dad didn't linger. When Dad knew it was time...he was ready. He didn't want rounds of chemo....he didn't want to fight what he believed was just fighting for a few weeks of sickness....he didn't want to put anybody out. When the doc asked him if he understood what being moved to the Hospice floor meant.....Dad replied, "Let's get on with it!" And...he did. He was ready....he was at peace. What a lesson! Why are we so afraid to go....when we have been promised so much?

Lessons: Generosity, Forgiveness, Laughter....and Hope....my Dad's legacy! By the way....Dad was not perfect...and he would not want me to make it seem so....he was a forgiven sinner that struggled each day....but that is the point really! :) Can it really be three years?

Arrival of Ansley Kate!

2010-07-11T14:01:00.000-07:00

The third granddaughter has arrived! After much speculation and some side betting on date, weight and other details....Ansley Kate Johnson decided to arrive two weeks early! Good girl! She weighed 7 lbs. 2 ozs. and was 19" long. On the morning of June 16th Amy's water broke....and we headed to the hospital. Having babies is not what it used to be...let me just say. Amy arrived at the hospital calm and showered. They hooked her up and gave her the juice that kicks it all in high gear. Amy had said she would just like to have it natural...Katie and I did a little eye-rolling. After about an hour of off the charts labor pains that were really close together....Katie finally said, "Amy, it is the 21st century....you don't have to do this!" SO....bring on the epidural AHHHH.......after that we visited, laughed, played cards and enjoyed the day. Around 3 or so....the nurse came in and checked her...."7"....woo hoo! Then around 4 Amy said she was feeling a little funny....not really hurting....but funny....nurse checked and shooed everyone out of the room....we were having a baby! I was allowed to stay in the room along with Katie and Greg. Well.....it is just a miracle. There is just nothing quiet so exhilarating as seeing a newborn baby arrive. Believe it or not it leaves me speechless....weepy every time.

She is long and skinny. Her skin is too big for her body. Her feet and toes are long....and she just might...maybe have a touch of red in her hair. She has long but very light eyelashes....and big eyes that seem a little too big for her delicate face. She is beautiful. And.....she is loved and adored by many. Amy and Greg will be incredible parents....and it will be fun to watch them on this journey of love. I am betting she will be funny, tall and lean.....and athletic! Life is unfolding all around....we can guide from the side....and be a constant source of prayer and support for the kids....and their kids! Do you think round two will bring three boys?

It's (drum roll please) another GIRL!

2010-03-16T06:30:00.000-07:00

My baby is now having a baby! How can that be? Used to be..in the old days...the sex of the baby was a mystery until the moment of the arrival. There were all kinds of predictions based on the heart beat...whether the mother carried the baby out front or "on her hips". I always carried everything on my hips...so that was no help to me! When I carried my babies....I just knew with a mother's heart that Andy was going to be a boy. I even dreamed him! I actually had a dream of my great grandmother Clark rocking a baby with a head full of black hair cooing to him and saying...."This is the prettiest baby boy I ever saw!" I knew from that moment on I would have a boy. And...I did! I was equally sure Katie would be a girl. And...she was! Feeling pretty confident about my motherly instincts....I just knew Amy was going to be a boy! The docs predicted it....I 'felt' it....everything pointed to a boy. On January 14th...two weeks early...Matthew Saunders became...Amy Elizabeth! She has been early and doing things ahead of time...in her own way ever since!

Now our Amy is due to deliver around the end of June. No more do we wonder and guess. Technology has decided for us! Or...has it? The ultrasound says the baby is a girl. But....the umbilical cord is remaining stubbornly between 'her' legs. It is almost certainly....a girl....with a niggle of a doubt! For now....we are thinking pink. I am excited either way. Another little girl would be so much fun with the other two. We can just have princess parties forever! But....a boy would be so much fun too. We will take either! Today....her name is Ansley Kate. Praying for good health...and a happy heart....she is already surrounded by grandparents, aunts and uncles, and lots of friends that can't wait to meet her and cover her in with baby love! And...if she is a he....well....we will keep our receipts just in case! :) My prediction...this baby will be early...and over 8 lbs....and....either a girl or a boy! :)

Moving Day !

2010-03-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

For over a year now Amy and Greg have been living in Papa and Gran's house. Their energy and creative flair gave new life to the tired old family home. Jim's dad, Papa, built the house over fifty years ago. It was literally the "house built upon the rock"! He purchased four lots...sold two and built their home on the remaining two. It is a white frame house on a hill....now with black shutters. For about 49 years...the shutters were gold...a source on contention between Papa and Gran. Gran wanted to experiment with different colors...Papa refused to change them! The kids planted grass, painted rooms, added nice touches...and remodeled both bathrooms. But...as all young couples do, they longed for their own first home to create their own memories in their own way.

With the government promise of a tax credit and a down payment in hand the kids went house hunting. In January they found what they felt was the perfect house. By the end of February they had completed the deal and were ready for the move. After realizing the cost of professional movers....they sent out an all call.....and friends showed up in droves. At one point in the morning I counted sixteen young strong backs! YEA! It felt like the cavalry had arrived! By noon all their belonging were in the new shiny house...and once again the old Hull House fell silent.

Jim and I have pondered whether to move there ourselves. It is a strong house, bigger....and there are many sentimental feelings surrounding its history in the family. But...we have memories invested here in our own home. Even our yard is a place where each tree has a history and a purpose for the planting. So....there is now a For Sale sign in the yard at the old home place. Potential buyers come and go....no nibbles yet. Our hope is some day a young family....with dreams of a bright future will look at it and see all the potential and once again....there will be laughter, tears, and stories to be created from the sturdy white house on the hill.

Royal Celebrations!

2010-01-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

Christmas now takes a back seat bookend birthdays of royalty! Shelby Grace' birthday is three days before Christmas and Emma Grace' birthday is seven days after. Emma will forever believe that the world is celebrating her birthday on New Year's Eve! Sharing a middle name was not the only thing they had in common this winter. They both had princess themed parties! Both are certainly worthy of such royal hoopla. Pink, crowns, bling and feathers were accessories to a castle cake and a crown cake.

Now....if Amy could manage to produce a male heir to the throne....we could break this tradition with camo or pirate parties in June! God is good!

Cinderella and Prince Charming

2009-10-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

Recently Miss Shelby has discovered a timeless favorite...."Cinderella." It is now her current favorite movie. Finally we have moved from "Lady and the Tramp" to "Cinderella." She lives in her pretend world of castles and fairy god mothers. But....the cutest thing has to be her Prince Charming. It is autumn. The front porch is decorated with pumpkins and scarecrows. Suddenly Shelby turns to her mom and asks...."Mom, can I get prince?" Nonchalantly, mom says..."sure." She opens the door....steps out on the porch and drags in a wooden scarecrow about 4 feet tall.....just right for an almost three year old. Immediately, she swirls around the room....dancing with her prince. She stops....and gives him a big hug and a dramatic kiss....then begins to dance around the room once again! Poor prince is dragged around the room by his limp and patched sleeve until she finally tires of him. Then just as suddenly as he appeared....he is back on the porch. It is too cute!

Of course young females for generations have been dreaming of Prince Charming. I am sure some psychologist somewhere would remind us that it is not healthy to dream of a perfect man...that they don't exist. Well....she will find that out soon enough. But...it is nice to dream and pretend. She will fall in love with horses...and ice cream... puppies, her daddy and her Pop Pop. She will let her mind imagine all sorts of possibilities...all reality begins with the imagination.

For now...I will begin to pray that some day she will find a real Prince Charming....some one that will always love and appreciate all the unique qualities that she brings into this world....someone that will be her best friend....someone that will grow old with her. They exist....I know....I found one.

Reflections and Celebrations

2009-08-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again. Time for school. The years of my life are marked by the beginning of school. In the beginning I was a student anticipating a new year in a new grade with a new teacher. Later as a young adult this time marked moving into college dorms with roommates....and trying to figure out who we were and what we wanted to be or do....and who would we partner our hearts with to create a life. Finally I became a teacher...and for many many years taught first grade in a corner of an elementary. Now I roam from school to school teaching the gifted....and helping out other teachers. I am not sure I even know how to exist without this month marking the "new year" for me. It is my January 1st.

It is also a time, in Texas at least, that the newspapers release the academic ratings of the schools. I am not a big fan of such ratings....but for now they exist. In the last few years I have taught at an elementary that has carried the stigma of being "that school"....the one you didn't want your kids to go to. It is the school in the area of town that houses most of our families of poverty ....those kids. This year....those kids showed 'em! They became an exemplary campus! It was historical and emotional. I have never felt so proud and so inspired by a group of educators in my life.

On Monday the principal greeted his staff with a lump in his throat...He began by saying that he was not sure if those that were guests realized it....but we always begin every faculty meeting with a prayer. He said we have always prayed for the same thing.....help us to always do what is right for the kids. He added....we also promised that when we achieved our success we would remember to give God the glory....so we began with a prayer....perhaps not politically correct....but perfect. He spoke of the high expectations.....and the motto...."no excuses". A chair was placed up at the front with a plaque in it and he shared the story of how in an effort to motivate the kids before TAKS he lined up chairs across the stage.....with all the plaques that the school had achieved in the last 10-15 years. Lots of empty chairs......he told the kids that most folks didn't believe that the chairs could be filled. He said he saw their little eyes flicker.... it made them mad! From then on students would walk by him in the hall and say...."Dr. K....we are gonna fill that chair!" The empty chair became a symbol for them....he hadn't known it would...but it did. SO.....Monday morning when the kids walk in.....they will see THE chair.....filled!

He went around the community, to their homes... to the boys and girls club....with a camera.....taking candid shots of the kids playing in their yards....sitting on their old front porches....playing in the streets...all of the shots reminded us of their environment....and their poverty. It reminded us that these faces were why we do what we do........it was all about flesh and blood......regardless of where they are from.....who their parents are.....so inspiring!

Teaching gets wearisome...and we joke about longing for summer each year. But the truth is our profession is such an amazing opportunity to touch and shape lives. It is a magnificent honor and a tremendous responsibility. We can never underestimate the power we have to alter a life with a hug, a touch or a smile.....a word of encouragement or instruction. I am ready for a new year.....I am anxious to begin once again.....to see new faces and be a stepping stone for future generations.

Birthdays and Babies

2009-08-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today I am 55 and very much alive! Never have been one to worry about parties or making a big deal about birthdays. But I do sometimes see this day as much like New Years Day....a day to reflect and re-group...and make a few mental commitments to myself....always trying to be a better me. This weekend was nice...filled with family and babies. Katie came and I had some Emma time. She is such a beautiful baby. Her blue eyes just twinkle and she is just the happiest baby. I wish that she could stay this innocent and this untouched by the world forever. Her taunt flawless skin is shiny new and baby rolls are just adorable. She is cherub like....dimpled and drooling. My heart is lost to her.

Shelby our first born granddaughter now has developed her own little personality. She is sassy and confident. She is brave and funny. I can't get enough of her either! When she sees me she flings herself into my arms and shouts....."GAAABBBY!" She throws her arms around my neck...squeezes it tight...then gives me a big hard kiss! Never have I been greeted with such enthusiasm....and it melts my heart! I look forward to the days ahead when Emma, Shelby and I are playmates in the backyard....playing mud pies with tea party saucers and tea cups.

SO....as I reflect...life is good. My children are settled and having children. And...maybe...just maybe the wise men of life are right....these are the golden years. I am me... content with all the parts. I am at peace with the past and blessed in the present.... filled with hope for the future.
Thank you, Father.....and Happy Birthday to Me! :)

Texas Boys and Tree Stumps!

2009-07-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

In the spring storms a tree we had planted many years ago twisted and landed on our house! The tree groomed for climbing is now in pieces drying out for winter firewood. The stump....well, frankly....stumped us! It was large....with long roots. Jim has been tackling the tree stump for a while. Smoke it out? Cut is out? Pull it out? Or a little of all three! Saturday his best buddy from high school came by with tools and they conquered the stump! Mike commented that he had the kind of faith that moved mountains...Jim rolled is eyes as if to say, "Yea, but what about stubborn tree stumps!" Mike's optimism with Jim's pessimism...plus an added dash of that "I am a Texas man" spirit succeeded in driving that tree from the ground. John Paul...our creative nephew, another bold Texas spirited younger (much younger and stronger) man pulled up in the drive to haul off the stump. Yep, he was looking for a big stump and it turns out our stump was just perfect. He is going to turn that old red oak gnarled bark into a beautiful large natural bowl. Isn't God great? Takes a spring storm and uses it to bring old friends together with a creative genesis....and then transforms the mess to make something new and useful! Hmmmmmm......sounds familiar....don't you think? Yep.....our God is mighty good!

Time

2009-07-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

As I reflect...as I often do...some may call it daydreaming.... attention deficit disorder....head in the clouds...or all of the above...but once again I digress! The word time seems to creep into our conversations multiple times a day.......see what I mean! Just a few phrases about time....

In the beginning....

It is time!
Arrival time...
Time to sleep
Time to eat
Is it time for...teething, sitting up, crawling...or walking?
Time for your bath.
Playtime
Happy times
Time flies...

And then....

It is time for school!
You must be on time.
Lunch time, break time, test time...
Time to buckle down.
It is about time...
Summer time!
Time after time, year after year...
It is that time of the month!
That time of the year...
That time in your life.
Springtime...time for love
Get me to the church on time!

Never enough time.
Never enough time.
Never enough time.

Life time...
This time...
Our time....
Is it that time again?
Time and again
Running out of time
Wasting my time
Make good use of your time.
In a time crunch
Hurried times
Make the payments on time.
What happened this time?
Do you know what time it is?
How many times have I told you?
For the hundredth time....
Do we have time?
Don't have time.
Time to leave the nest....

Time on your hands
Me time...
Lonely times
Time of your life!
Hard times
Time to retire!

And finally....

What to do with the time?
Looking back at the good times
Too much time..
It has been a long time.
Next time...
Treasure the times...
Time to eat.
Time to sleep.
Timeless
We had a good time.
Do we have time?
Time out...
Time's Up!

Ages and Stages...

2009-07-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

While visiting mom last week at her new "home" I couldn't help but be amused by the dynamics of the place. She is the new kid on the block....and just like middle school or high school there are cliques. Little groups that hang out at the "popular" table at dinner. There is no assigned seating...but trust me... make no mistake about it...folks know where their seats are! You sit in somebody's seat and they will let you know about it. Her "place" right now is at a table with four or five other ladies that sit by a big window. All of them are in their nineties. Mom is seventy six. They are sweet and kind ladies...but remarkably old and hard of hearing. Conversation is labored. Mom is bored. She was never a big fan of old people or dogs...so she is really making a big effort here. As we ate at the table she said in a big voice....."I have a surprise for us!" I was surprised because she hadn't mentioned any surprises to me before coming to what she affectionately calls "The Bean" (a reference to the cafeteria at ACU). She pulled out a little pair of scissors from her bag that sits beside her in her wheel chair. "Look! We can use these to cut the mayonnaise and mustard packages." As she demonstrated....snip....snip.....Well, I am telling you she broke some serious barriers with her gift to the table. Lots of approving nods.....and smiles. Right away one of the more serious ladies told her they must not leave them at the table....or they would disappear never to be found again. They all agreed....this treasure must be kept under wraps! I smiled.....Mom was trying and she succeeded in building a bridge.

Mealtime is interesting. I was reminded of the times when I went to help Dad feed the cows. They would see his pick up rounding the corner. They would follow behind the pickup as he would lead them to the pen for hay or buckets of feed. Around 11 or so it is like cattle call....everyone starts gathering and there is a steady line of walkers headed to "The Bean". Some are decorated...others are practical. Some have baskets for "stuff", a few have tennis balls on the legs to help them slide along. The cool ones have wheels and seats that fold down....with brakes. Mom wants one of those...with a basket. Meal time is nutritional and social....food for the body and the soul. It becomes the highlight of their long days.

Mom has made one friend....she is younger like Mom. Her name is Mary Jim...not Mary....but Mary Jim and you must call her by both names. She is a mess....fun, intelligent and interesting. She and Mom share a love for pickeled things. So I must remember to bring pickeled okra, corn or just about anything pickeled for them to enjoy. Mary Jim shared her pickeled cactus with Mom and she giggled like a school girl that had tried something dangerous. Mary Jim was a the wife of a rancher in Amarillo. She cooked for ranch hands....and she has the look of a weathered rancher herself. Her body is crippled but her heart is whole and good....and kind. I am glad she is my mother's friend. They will have adventures together I am sure.

Everybody has a story....Mary Jim will share hers bit by bit. Mom will learn of others as time goes by and soon I suspect she will create her own circle of friends that she gravitates to and learns to love. Time....give it time. Time to adjust.....time to heal.....time to remember and a time to create new friendships and a time to add new chapters to a life that already reads like a novel.
Time......

Memories

2009-07-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

Summer is short this year. The task of emptying out the home place in Rising Star has become the all consuming job this summer. Last summer Jim and I went through this same process with his parent's place...and now it is my turn. It feels different though....with his parent's home we saw it come to life again as Amy and Greg moved in and created a new, fresh home. It felt good.

My parent's situation was a little different. Dad died a couple of years ago....leaving Mom alone. She fell after Christmas and now through life circumstances finds herself in a retirement center. She is too young to be there... none of us could foresee that this would be her future. She is having to sell everything...and downsize. It feels like another death in the family. Rising Star is where we always had family....lots of it. Young ones moved away....old ones died and now there are only markers outside of town that note the family existence.

SO...because everyone was busy building their own nests and futures most of the task fell to me to sort through the "stuff". Guy, my sweet brother, is taking care of Mom all the time...so it was the very least I could do for him as his responsibilities for Mom are ongoing and daily. It was a good thing... gave me some closure. I was able to touch each "thing" and think about its significance....or not. There were lots of memories in the mess!

What I learned....the value of the stuff is of no value. It is the life that touched it and the memories that were captured that made a thing of some value to someone. An aluminum boat shaped tin plate became the prized "thing". Everyone asked about it. It is probably not worth a dollar....but everyone wanted it. Why? It was on the table at every single meal of my lifetime. Dad put bacon or sausage in it in the mornings.....on top of a folded piece of paper towel. The paper towel was key....soaked up excess grease! It was used again at lunch for whatever....and then supper usually found it holding fried something....okra, squash, a few potatoes with onion. That old tin was a family member! Always faithful and always dependable. I learned this week that it was a wedding present to my Mom and Dad. It will set on my table tonight...with a folded paper towel on it to just remind me.

When sorting it became clear that the newest, most stylish, currently purchased items would go into the estate sale. It was the bowl with the crack, the deep cast iron skillet and silly things that would be treasured. It made me think of my own things...and look at them with new eyes. I was reminded of what really made a house a home. There is a friend of mine that has a wall in her home that if filled with family photos. Her home is beautiful with the latest colors and styles....but my favorite wall is the one that tells the story of their lives. The years of love and accomplishments and memories. I hope she never changes it. It is the wall that says "home" to me.

As we watched years of "things" go out the door....slowly our home just became an empty house. It was satisfying knowing that some of the buyers were excited and would love and treasure some of Mom's trinkets or knic knacks. Many of the residents of the tiny town stopped by to say hello and spin a yarn or two about my mom or my dad. One fellow came by late after everything was picked over and just wanted some little something to remind him of my mom. He was round, uneducated and awkward....his smell arrived before he did. He smiled a big toothless grin and simply said, "Your momma shore was good to me. If the house don't sell before the pecans come due, I'll be happy to pick 'em up for your momma. I'll shell 'em for her and everything.....'cause your momma shore does like pecans and she was always good to me." It made me so proud of my momma...it became clear throughout the day that my momma was good to a great number of folks....and they would not soon forget her or my daddy. Could there be any greater legacy than that for a daughter...a son...or grandchildren?

As the layers of the sandwich peel away....I must remember to build my own legacy for the time when certainly my children will sort through my "stuff".

Nana and nursing homes

2009-04-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have written anything....although lots of thoughts are rumbling around these days. It is not the best of times...nor the worst of times....just times. Weddings are all over, babies are now born....growing and changing before our eyes. It seems as if life has settled in a bit. Just my mom left to take care of and for a while she seemed perfectly capable of that on her own when suddenly she went down....literally. She had one knee replacement a few years back....the other one, formally known as the good knee, decided to give out on her. She has torn her quad...not a good thing. Suddenly, the layers of the sandwich squeezed...and here we are again....sandwiched in between cuddling grandbabies and coddling the elderly.

Mom would wince at being referred to as the elderly....she doesn't think like an old person...and therefore she is not! She knows all the scores to all the Texas teams....the Rangers, the Cowboys, the Stars and the Mavs.....she is a fan of ACU sports and Roscoe High sports and any other sports that might involve somebody's grandson or the kid down the block. She knows the latest fashions and she is aware of all the reality shows and has opinions about the winners and the losers....she is "with it"! Much more so than I am....she thinks I didn't get the jewelry gene. It skipped a generation....I am not a big jewelry person. She always felt I just needed "a little something" around my neck or a few bangles on my arm. I was never much of a fan of bangles. My middle child, Katie...got the gene....and they share a love for that sort of of shiny flare.

SO....this all makes having my mom in a nursing home...even though it is temporary... very hard. She hates being there. We hate having her there...but there just aren't any good alternatives. Mom's body is giving out. She is fighting back....we are hopeful....but we all agree that her days living alone at our old home are over. This summer will mean cleaning it all out and putting it up for sale. It is closing another chapter of my life. Losing Dad was the beginning of losing so much.

While with her last weekend she showed that spunky spark....that can be exasperating but also encouraging. There is a rule in the nursing home...you are not allowed to have any drugs....prescription or over the counter in your room....for obvious reasons. Well.....my mom has always taken care of herself...thank you very much...she resents being told what she can and cannot take....or when to take it. After checking the door....she asked me to hand her her Bible. I did and she proceeded to take her contraband "drugs"....aspirin....out of her Bible! I said...."what in the world are you doing?" She smugly replied that she knew they wouldn't think to look in her Bible! Something wrong about that.......but it did give me hope that my mom has that old fighting spirit that might just be the thing that motivates her to get better and on the mend. I think the Lord surely smiled.

In the meantime....my brother and I both are living in the sandwich. He is right in the middle....and I am joining him once or twice a month....keeping the road to Abilene hot once again.

Sharing grandbabies!

2009-01-31T08:18:00.000-08:00

This week has presented our family with a whole new set of challenges! How do you go about sharing grandbaby visits when both sets of grandparents live in the area? Frankly, I thought I was always good about sharing...but this is a whole other realm of unselfishness! The kids are home for a weekend, the middle of the week, and another weekend. We came up with a plan....the first weekend through Wed the kids and Emma would stay with Charles' family. On Wednesday they will come here and spend the end of the stay with us. Both grandparents agreed to honor the time of the other and stay away! :) Right away....I breeched the contract! I didn't mean to do it....Katie and Emma stopped by here on their way to the other Granny's house. What could I do? So for a blissful hour or so....we got in our hugs and kisses.....then sent them on their way! While they were in route to the Cassady clan.....other Granny called. She stated I had breeched the contract. She would not soon forget....and from now on she would only refer to me as "Gabby who?" She is fun and dad-gum-it....I even like her myself! She is going to be a fun Granny! I am going to have to step it up a notch to compete with drama Granny!

The whole thing got me to thinking about my own grandmothers. My dad's mother was just so sweet. She lived in town right down the street from us and I just remember her being gentle and kind. I would spend the night with her sometimes. She had a black and white 57 Chevy, stick shift. She always cooked frozen fish sticks and cherry pie for me. She was not a great cook...but I remember those two dishes fondly. She had a green thumb. Her backporch was covered with clay pots filled with geraniums. To this day when I smell the earth smell of geraniums I think of my Granny Lucas. It is one of my favorite flowers...and smell.

My other Granny was a stinker! She was nicknamed "Stormy" by family members and known for her temper. But...she was energetic and fun. We always looked forward to being at her house. She was always up to something. We played in her cellar. There was a rodeo every Friday night in their small town. We never missed a rodeo. They had horses behind their house....and chickens. All of it right there in town. There are dozens of Granny Burns stories.....she was my adventurous, funny Granny.

What kind of Granny will I be? Will I be the fun one....or the wise one. Will I be the fluffy, soft Granny? Will our home be the safe retreat filled with homemade smells? Maybe I will be the movie Granny? Or the art Granny? Maybe the blogging Granny....for sure I want to be the praying Granny. I could try to be the Super Granny.....but that is too hard! Too much pressure! What I do know is that right now I have two beautiful granddaughters that share the same middle name and I could have never expected to feel so full of love for them.

Being a grandmother is like playing a supporting character in the play called life. I know I no longer will be the actress carrying the main role....that role belongs to the mother. But...hopefully, I will play my supporting part in such a way that it will impact these little lives positively forever. And this I know....the role of grandmother is precious....and the more the merrier. Little ones cannot suffer from having too many adults love and support them. SO....bring on the Grannies! There is room for all of us! We will add the flavor to that sandwich called life! :)

Happy New Year

2009-01-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

The weather is cold and icy and I am in a reflection mood. My sweet daughter reminded me that I had not updated my blog...that she had gone to the trouble of giving birth....the equivalent of pushing a basketball through a paper towel roll....and I had yet to write about it! She is offended and is wondering just what she has to do to get a mention on the blog! Therefore this writing is dedicated to brave daughter number one and her sweet baby Emma.

New Years Eve was the most memorable new year of my life. Our Katie was scheduled to go in early the morning of the 31st to be induced. The baby was ready, she was ready....and it was a go! Amy and I were there for support. Charles was working and was to meet us at the hospital later that morning. Jim and Greg were home waiting for us to call them to tell them things were moving along...so they could move along too! Andy and his little family had the good sense to stay put at home and come at a later date. Their little one is only two and they understand the whole RSV/germ thing. Then....the hospital called and told us they were full... she would have to wait awhile. The tears came....Amy and I rushed in to assure her that it was all good and now that we were dressed and ready we could plan a fun day of shopping and lunch. Not exactly what Katie had in mind. Only when you are 9 months pregnant...fully loaded... do you desire and look forward with anticipation to pain. But no sooner had we cheered her up...than the hospital called again to tell her to gather her things and come on! Woo Hoo!

The hospital was just so nice. One could do some major shopping in their gift shop. Her room was large and the nurses were just precious. She was assigned one nurse that took care of her exclusively. I don't remember much about the day except that it was happy and really low key. Katie had an epidural so she wasn't in much pain. Charles was part concerned husband part interested doctor. He drifted between roles. He kept us well informed about all the machines and the procedures.

What I do remember is around 10:30 p.m. the doc came in and everything started to move in warp speed. It was clear things were happening. Katie had asked that Amy and I be able to stay for the delivery. I had given birth to three children and was wide awake during all three deliveries.....but I guess I was busy and didn't really pay attention. It was the first time I had witnessed a birth....and it was amazing. Katie was a trooper..... I was so proud of her. When little Emma's head appeared....her eyes were wide open and she blinked! It was unbelievable. What a miracle it all is....this miracle of birth! It takes your breath away... I could do little else but cry....tears of joy.....and of pride. Wasn't it just yesterday that they handed me a little girl with similar black hair? How could it be that my baby was now having a baby?

A few hectic days were then followed by a few quiet calm and restful days. I stayed with Katie and Emma. Charles went back to work....everyone returned to their busy lives. For three sacred days there was three generations of women folk just loving on each other. Mother, daughter... mother, daughter... grandmother, granddaughter. Katie realized for the first time how much I loved her. I watched her becoming a mother with all the instincts and love from her new mother heart. She was born for this role...and Miss Emma is a blessed little one.

Charles is over the moon in love. He realizes that not all deliveries are the same. The birth of his daughter was fairly textbook.....but really like no other! Heart strings and love do that to new parents. It is only just beginning for them. With each coo and crooked smile they will fall more deeply in love. Their lives will be forever changed by the smell of a sweet baby head...and that is a good...a very good thing. The layers of the sandwich are growing...multiplying! And...life has never been better!

This Old House!

2008-12-29T05:14:00.000-08:00

Now that Greg and Amy are back in town they have decided to live in Gran and Papa's old house. It will be a win-win situation for all of us. The house will have someone in it that will take care of it and they will have a nice home for a couple of years with cheap rent. The house was built by Papa about sixty years ago for around $7000. He used cross ties from from the railroad for the foundation. Yes....this house was built upon a rock! And if you knew Papa you know there is some creative wiring going on....but it is a solid house....and he was mighty proud of it. They had a couple of add-ons through the years and now it is very comfortable white frame house with gold shutters sitting on an oak covered lot.

When Gran was alive she was meticulous. She had lovely fancy things and her taste could be seen through out the house. She loved pink... she loved roses. In their formal living room there was this unusual 100% wool carpet with pink roses. Pink roses were in cut glass rose bowls and the walls revealed pink rose pictures and various hand painted china....with pink roses. It was the fancy room... the room we really only visited during holidays for the big family meal. Gran was the perfect hostess for Martha Stewart-like meals down to her organdy starched apron. But then....Gran's brain began to deteriorate... her memories, her sense of logic and reasoning began to slip away until there was just a shell of the woman we once knew. Alzheimer stole her thoughts and her personality.

The last few years the house was sorely missing the touch of a woman. Gran was unable to attend to the most menial of tasks....and Papa....well, Papa was a man....clueless to the touches that a woman makes to create a home from an ordinary house. Later Papa lived in the house alone when Gran was in the nursing home. Gradually the home became neglected and lonely. After Gran died Papa moved out to assisted living....and the lonely house was abandoned. As the young couple that built the house grew old and changed....the house itself seemed to mirror what was occurring in life. Houses have life!

Hull House was alive and growing as the young family grew. The yard was full and green and lush. Lights shone bright from the windows...and family pets barked in the backyard. Projects were always going on in the garage and activity surrounded the house. Good smells came from the kitchen and music filled the air. As the young couple grew old...so did the house. The paint peeled. Solid boards began to split and crack. The plumbing weeped. The once beautiful rose carpet faded. Musty oders penetrated the senses. Hull House was alone, broken and in mourning. Closets held left over memories from the past....old photos, scrapbooks and cards....memories held in a shoebox.

Then the young granddaughter and her new husband decided to move into the old Hull House. They giggled as they cleaned and painted the walls. You could almost hear the Hull House cheer! She soaked up the paint like a thirsty traveler in much need of nourishment. You could almost imagine her stretching and yawning after a long hibernation nap. The windows glowed once again. Music accompanied the fresh paint smell with a touch of lemon oil. New colors updated the walls. New style and rearranged furniture created new life in the rooms. Hull House hugged these newlyweds and will be a good home for them to begin new life. She is smiling once again anticipating the future of this young couple in love.

And....so goes life in the sandwich!

December happenings....

2008-12-25T03:57:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas day....all is quiet. Unbelievable! It has been an upside down, topsy turvy year. The holidays have been backwards too....but it fits the way the year has gone. Jim and I anticipated December would be crazy. To accommodate the craziness we put the tree and decorations up before we left for Colorado at Thanksgiving knowing there would not be another opportunity. Even though we thought we were prepared for the chaos...we are pooped! We are getting too old for all this running around and partying! :)

December started with going to Katie's house and getting baby Emma's room ready. Jim worked ever spare second on refinishing old bedroom furniture from his mom's house. He is a perfectionist which can be annoying but in cases like refinishing furniture it comes in handy. It turned out beautiful. Katie bought new updated and fun handles and knobs...the result...gorgeous, updated, solid baby furniture. We arrived with Andy's truck full of furniture and I took my box of paints to create Katie's perfect vision of her baby's room. We got there late Friday night. Charles helped us unload the furniture. We got up early Saturday morning and just got busy. I painted from about 9 in the morning until aroun 1:30 am. I could hardly walk the next day.....or the next week....but the end result was worth it. On Sunday we pulled the room together...with a few finishing touches. We attended church with the kids and then on to the church baby shower for Katie and Emma. It was lovely....and now all is ready for Miss Emma's arrival.

The following weekend we jumped in the car on Friday and headed west to Abilene. Amy and Greg were graduating for physical therapy school. They are now Dr. Amy and Dr. Greg Johnson! Seems unbelievable....but WOO HOO! We attended a banquet on Friday night and graduation on Saturday. They both received awards. Greg's parents, Jim and I hosted a bar-b-que at my brother's house to celebrate. The kids are exhausted....and so ready to finally have a life together. They have not lived alone together in a house since they married in May. With clinicals they have lived out of their suitcase and on the road for almost the entire year. They are tired....and ready to live a normal life....with ruts and routines.

THEN...last weekend it was already time for our family Christmas! After celebrating we brought mother home with us for a few days. SO in between all the celebrating there was shopping and cooking.....AND....not to mention another wrinkle in all the goings on....Amy had bought Greg a chocolate lab puppy for Christmas but until she could give it to him....guess who became puppy grandparents? Yep...a few vet bills later...we can claim part ownership! :) OH...and if that wasn't enough excitement for December....throw in a Texas tornado for fun! The first ever tornado hit Denison in December! It tore through town leaving behind devestation......just left a trail.....then moved on. We were blessed and slept right through it but others were not so lucky.

SO...here I am on Christmas Day...and it is quiet. I am grateful! Amy and Greg took Mom home and they are having Christmas with his parents. I insisted! :) Katie and Charles can't travel too far from home so they are celebrating alone together in anticipation of a baby any day now. Andy and Bobbie will celebrate with Shelby this morning and then come over for lunch....lasnaga! Then we might go to the movies later...if we feel like it! I think it sounds like a heavenly day. It has been a year of weddings, funerals, graduations and babies. We have been richly blessed and I am beyond grateful.

The new year is full of promise. Amy and Greg will live here for two years. Emma Grace will arrive and hopefully life will settle down a bit. I know there will be valleys to travel through...but the valleys seem to make those mountain top moments sweeter. Certainly, you appreciate them more. We are still living in the sandwich....it has shifted a bit this year....but we are still getting squeezed! AND.....loving each moment of it.

Thankful

2008-11-30T15:47:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was different this year...good different... but different. We headed north to be with our youngest Amy and her husband Greg. They are newlyweds...but have yet to set up housekeeping and live together. They married in May and have been on the road ever since...living off the kindness of others until December 13th when they graduate Dr. and Dr. Johnson! This rotation Amy is living with Jim's cousin in Colorado so....we headed north to spend some much needed family time with the Colorado cousins. It also was an opportunity to visit with Jim's aunt. She is in an assisted living and is declining so seeing her once again was a very good thing.

Thanksgiving reminds us to be thankful...and we are. We don't limit our thankfulness to the end of November. I am very thankful each and every day for the many blessings that have been given to me. I sometimes wonder how I ended up here...in the United States...in Texas...in this time period. I could have been born anywhere on the earth....during any period in history....and here I am. I think that is an amazing realization...and I am thankful.

I married a kind and gentle man...how amazing it is that I found him and he found me and that we still share a secret smile when we see each other across a room. We were blessed with three amazing children....not perfect....but precious. I wouldn't trade a one of them for any other youngun's in the world. And now they are marrying and multiplying and their children will be as equally precious to us.

I am reminded of how much family means to us. In Africa there is a common saying... "it takes a village to raise a child"....it does. We are witnesses. For three months Amy has lived with the Colorado cousins, before that she and Greg were living with my aunt. There have been many family members to help out my kids along their way. My mom and dad sent each of them $20 every Monday while they were in college. They all remember looking forward to that spending money each week. Jim's brother Don and his wife, my sweet sister in law, Becky have provided a roof and support along they way for a couple of our kiddos when they were searching and trying to find their way. My mother's aunt Mary helped all of them...and me with scholarships each semester to attend Abilene Christian University. Penny, my cousin and her husband have housed one or two...and they have provided much needed furniture when any of them were in need. And...in a couple of weeks, my brother will house Amy and Greg as they survive their final week before graduation. They just needed one more spot to lay their head before becoming employed!

What a gift our loving extended families have been! I am hoping and praying that we will be able to give in return when any one of them are in need....whether it be a roof, some furniture...or a few dollars. I have been blessed....and I pray I can be a blessing to someone else. God is so good...and our family is so thankful!

Emma Grace

2008-11-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

Katie and Charles will be expecting Miss Emma Grace to arrive on December 31st! Just in time for a little tax write off....the doctor will induce on that day. We will be celebrating 2009 with the arrival of a new grand daughter. We have already seen her...due to modern technology....a 3D sonogram! She has her mother's nose and her daddy's mouth....and even though the view is a little distorted...it is already apparent that she is beautiful!

Penny hosted a baby shower for Katie this weekend at her house. Pink everywhere! She is going to be a lovely...and loved little girl. They make the most adorable outfits, shoes and accessories for babies these days. And....who knew you needed all those gadgets! I am surprised my own children survived...we were woefully lacking in "stuff"! :) I suspect that when it is all said and done that not much is need for swaddling except soft arms. And...momma provides the best and easiest bottle. Toys 'R Us has yet to create anything more fun that blowing on a babies tummy to get a belly laugh. Hide and seek around a chair can provide many minutes of joy and entertainment. There is nothing more fun that a good old fashioned box. Shelby loves to "paint" the back porch with her bucket of water and a brush.

I have decided that I am going to be the quiet grandmother...the one that invites her grandchildren into her home to escape the world. I want them to know that they can come to my house to smell home smells, take long uninterrupted naps, to sit out on the back porch and read or to play....and get dirty. My mom created a home like that....and we all long to go there....and when we arrive we find we just breathe and slow down. Doing nothing has become so rare. What we have forgotten is that when we are doing nothing....it allows our minds to do plenty. We imagine...we create....we think...God does his best work in us when we stop and allow Him time to come on in and stay awhile.

I can't wait for Emma and Shelby to share time at Gabby and Pop Pop's house! What fun we will have....giggling, star gazing, and playing! Miss Shelby is my brown eyed beauty and Miss Emma will be a blue eyed beauty....and I am betting Amy and Greg have a red-headed boy! The future is full of promise and fun!

Camp Creek Retreat

2008-11-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

The older I get the faster time flies...I have heard the whole logical explanation for that very real sensation...but doesn't make it less curious. When you are anxious for a date or an event...times creeps...but when you aren't thinking about time... the months on the calendar change in the blink of an eye. It is already November! How on earth is that possible?

Last weekend two precious friends of mine and I went to Camp Creek for a spiritual retreat with my sister in law and a few of her friends. Camp Creek, all by itself, is a spiritual place. My buddies trusted me to drive...through Dallas...and into the dark Halloween night to a remote location. They were a little dubious...as I turned into what appeared to solid woods...through an arch of overhanging trees...into an opening where this wonderful secluded cabin lay nestled in the trees overlooking a moonlit lake. Instantly, they were drawn into the charm our secret place. It doesn't belong to us....but Jim's brother and his wife are so generous to allow us to visit it often. They have opened their heart to ours on many occasion...and we are eternally grateful.

My sister in law has just recently lost her sweet daddy. I feel and understand her hurt...but it doesn't make it any easier for her. She is also struggling with other life burdens...and truth be known...we were all there to minister and love on her. We went there to give...and we left there filled up. We prayed together...studied the Word together. We sang songs by the lake...and shared communion. We spent some quiet time...and we laughed until our ribs were sore in the evening. It was a special time.

We were mothers, wives, sisters...and friends. Women know how to bond! We just open up our hearts and let it all spill out...and suddenly strangers become friends...and friends become sisters. God loved on us ...through the silver horn of the moon, the pink sunset, the breeze, the deer, the sounds of the blue heron... the sunshine and the clear, chilly nights with the mass of stars in the sky. Soon it was over...and we all departed to return to real life....no longer secluded but totally included in the business of daily life. We can't remain hidden away forever...but we can take mental images with us...and refer to them when we need to hide away for a moment. We can create Sabbath moments to sustain us until we are able to return again. AND....someday we will experience Sabbath for all eternity. Isn't God good!

Perfect fit!

2008-08-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

Summer is officially over for those of us in the teaching profession. Tomorrow morning is the "meet and greet" breakfast... before you know it we will hit the ground running. Every year...this time of year... it just feels like you need a few new things. You need a "first day of school" outfit....and some new school supplies....just want to start off shiny! SO...in response to that urge and in response to all the mountains of sale ads....I went in search for the perfect pants! And...guess what???? I found them! Yes, I did! And you will never believe what they are called...."perfect fit"....because they do. It is an unbelievable feat of human engineering....and I am eternally grateful. AND.....guess what else? I am a perfect fit.....petite size one! I can see that look of disbelief on your face as you read this.....but it is true. I am floating!

It seems that the store that I have avoided up until now....is the most amazing store ever! Lane Bryant.....has mastered the art of marketing.....and I love and appreciate them for the effort! They have created Granimals for chubby folk! First you find the colored dot that matches your body type. I am a blue dot.....after trying on yellow and then red dots....it was determined that I was a blue dot.....which means that my rear end is wide....and my waist is small.....well...not exactly small....but considerably smaller that my butt. I have always suffered the misery of having a large gap in the waist of my pants due to the need to have them fit in the bottom...you could drop medium sized objects into my pants in the back.......assuming I would allow anyone to having access. But now that I am a blue dot......no more gap! Then on to the joy of finding my size......starting with a 3....I worked my way down to a one! It was a "Hallelujah" moment. The petite part just means I am not that tall....but I like the sound of it...don't you?

Now...I ask you....who would want to lose weight and go back to the regular stores where one would have to go back to being extra large...or a sixteen.....when you can be a one petite? Not me.....I will continue to shop in the magical place where I am the tiniest woman in the store. It just feels too dang good! :) I think I might even celebrate with chocolate cobbler!

SPANKS!

2008-07-15T13:30:00.001-07:00

Life has kept me away from blogging...or jogging. When returning to it...it seems to me that I have spent my time reflecting too much...and laughing too little! SO...time to grin and giggle a little more! With the wedding behind us...and quickly becoming a distant memory, I do want to write a few wedding reflections! Therefore, I would like to say a word or two about a very important and timely subject.....SPANKS!

The original plan was to lose 30 pounds back when the kids announced their engagement. Then after Christmas I reorganized my thinking and decided 20 pounds would be plenty.....finally a couple of weeks before the wedding I was looking for those crash diets where you lose 10 pounds in 24 hours! No need dieting for the long healthy haul....just go into starvation mode for a short period of time...get through the wedding and then go back to regular life! Life style change? Not so much! THEN....I heard about SPANKS! The wonder girdle! After looking around I discovered they sold them a Lane Bryant....a store I refused to go into until recently...I just felt I would be crossing over to the dark side....along with elastic waist pants and granny panties (which I love by the way!)

Well....I love SPANKS! I bought some and they were comfortable.....IF you can get them up! Surely the act alone could be considered as exercise. I burned some calories pulling those babies up! That was a sight to behold I am sure! The designer of these magnificent body squeezers put a slit where the crotch is.....thinking... of course, of the convenience for a lady to go to the restroom if the need should arise. Not possible!!! I am certain emptying ones bladder while entombed would not be possible. Nice thought....but just not possible. First of all that would require squatting....not possible. Then the whole idea of aiming directly through a slit without dripping....once again...not possible. AND....it would all require wearing no underwear.....EEEEEEWWW! I think maybe the opening was meant to just be a good ventilation system...but in my case my thighs will block the air flow...woo hoo! I think the real solution may be to not eat or drink anything for 24 hours there fore diminishing the need to use bathroom facilities!

One of my friends suggested I wear thongs with the SPANKS to prevent panty lines. Oh yea...let me think....NO! Talk about double trouble! My granny panties work quite well...thank you! The panty lines are concealed nicely between the fat roll of my floppy fanny! What we women won't do!

These are the kind of tiny yet significant details that are left out of wedding etiquette books. These are only the juicy tidbits one gets from honest girlfriends. So...my advice to all future mothers of the bride...or groom....granny panties and SPANKS.....or you could just be yourself and let it all hang out and have a rip roaring good time! :)

Camp Creek Reflections

2008-07-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Jim and I just returned from a restful few days at Camp Creek. It is the perfect spot for reflection and evaluation...getting perspective on life. What a year it has been! Last summer while there I wrote in my journal that I felt as if I was preparing for something...waiting...getting ready. I think God's pacing is perfect...and he was allowing us to rest before the storms of life hit in August. Nine months later we had survived two funerals, a miscarriage and a wedding. This summer was a rest of recovery. This story of my life has included many chapters. I wonder sometimes....where am I in this story...am I approaching the climax with a cliff hanger....or could I be coming to the final chapters? Only God knows... I think I am glad about that!

I feel conflicted these days. I think I am growing old! How on earth can that be? In my mind I am young and fun! I want to do or leave behind something lasting...a legacy if you will. Recently, my sister in law told me of a friend of hers that died and during the funeral the preacher tossed a pair of bright yellow cleaning gloves across the podium...and stated that anyone that knew this gal knew about her rubber gloves! Everyone laughed. I didn't. She was remembered at her funeral for her passion for cleaning? I know that won't be said at my funeral! But...I do hope I would be remembered for qualities more significant than cleaning.

I want to leave a legacy to my grandchildren...a happy heart, a love of life, a grateful spirit, laughter...gifts that can't be purchased with money. I want to teach them about their real heritage...about their real Father. I am to teach them who He is....and how much He will love them their whole lives. I want them to recognize Him living in me. Oh boy....I have some straightening out to do!

I am 54 years old...I think! Well, I will be in a few weeks or so. I am not sure how gray I am. I keep it covered. I weigh more than I ever weighed in my life...even when I was 9 months pregnant...delivery date pregnant! I am beginning to notice my knuckles are swollen and my rings don't fit anymore. It takes a while to work the aches out in the morning. If I sit still too long I go to sleep! :) I miss the middle of lots of movies. I can't sleep at night....but could sleep just about any other time. It takes me several days to clean my house....I used to be able to get it done in half a day!

I have jowls! My eyelids lay heavily on my eyelashes. Wild black hairs sprout in the most peculiar places over night. Being regular has come to mean more than I could have ever imagined! And...it all just makes me mad!

Myself...is a contradiction! I feel a sense of urgency to "do something" and yet....I don't want to do anything! I want to paint....but I don't want to go to the trouble of getting it all out. I want to travel...but I don't want to leave home. I want to remodel the bedrooms...but it is just so much work. I want to save money....but...I spend it. I want to get rid of "stuff", only to buy more. I want to diet and get fit...but I want more chocolate cobbler from Angela's! I want to be more involved at church...but I don't want to make any commitments. I want the kids to come home for a visit....then I am relieved when they leave.

Am I normal? I don't care....or maybe I do care!? I think for the first time in a very long time I have choices. It is a very new feeling. Decisions can be made... the last 30 years or so there were no choices. I just did what needed to be done. SO....I am giving myself permission to ponder and decide. It is ok to do nothing for a little while....soon I'll move toward "something".....but just not today! :)

The Journey is finished.

2008-05-20T05:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, early in the morning...Papa quietly slipped away from this life to the next. Jim had stayed with him all Saturday, Saturday night and most of Sunday. Don came and relieved him. Don stayed Sunday night and Monday morning he was gone. He lived 92 years...and two days. It is certainly like him to squeeze in one more birthday celebration on this earth. He did love his birthday!

Each son is grieving in a different way. Jim's whole life has been defined by either working with his parents or caring for them. He is at a loss. There is a tremendous sense of relief...and perhaps a little bit of creating the image of a saint. That is natural....but the truth is my dad and his dad were both very human...with human frailties and flaws. Neither were saints....both were good men. They were of that generation of men that lived through wars, hard work was valued, and integrity was important. They had a tough time saying "I love you"...or "I am proud of you" ...but you knew they did and they were by their actions.

Jim....is human too....although in my eyes he is very close to being a saint. He has been the most unselfish and giving son any one could imagine. He is a good, good man....and I am thankful each day that I have been blessed with his friendship and his love. I have just walked this walk...and I know what he is struggling with....and the loss he feels. I hurt with him and for him. I also celebrate that he will finally be free to live. The layers of the sandwich are being peeled away....only my mom is left. She will be plenty! :)

On the flip side of this sandwich of life....Katie and Charles heard a healthy strong heartbeat today! As one life ends...and another is beginning. The cycle of life continues...just as it should.

Life...Death...and Life again

2008-05-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

This morning in church the communion mediation caused me to ponder. The fellow speaking compared death to our birth. It seemed absurd in the beginning...and then it didn't. He asked us.."What if we could know what babies were thinking right before they were born?" They must feel very secure in that warm sack that protects and nourishes them. Then....suddenly they are squeezed...and pushed into a cold bright sterile room, poked and prodded by a gloved hand. Surely, they must desire to return to the known world of amniotic fluid. But...what if they had stayed....they would have missed life! The outside adventures were worth the struggle. Soon an exciting whole new world opens up to them..... a world of colors and sounds and touches.

It is possible that the struggle to die is similar. We are fearful of what we do not know. We feel secure here...we know this world with it good and evil...but still it is familiar. But what awaits us on the other side is worth the struggle of death that we must endure to get to our eternal life. It is painful to watch...if you are the one on the outside...but the promise of a perfect and beautiful life on the other side is worth dying for. We are watching Papa struggle to pass over....and praying for a swift and painless journey. Transitions...we are born physically...we live.....then we die spiritually in baptism to be born a new creature. Finally...we die physically to live again forever with our Father...and our brother. Each transition is preceded by a struggle whether it be physical or spiritual...then ends with a victory....joy....life! Life...death...and life again...forever!

Papa

2008-05-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

Weary...and waiting once again. We got a call from Stonebrook this morning and they have called Hospice. Papa is not doing well. There is never a good time...but it is as if he wanted to celebrate one more birthday and then his journey was over. Papa always loved his birthday! He started planning it early...and had multiple parties. The coffee buddies from Whataburger showed up on Thursday with a cake to surprise him. They tied bright colored balloons on the back of his wheelchair and tried to spark that old party spirit....but Jim said he just didn't have that spunk that he normally can turn on in a crowd. The party is over. He is in his last days. Jim has spent the day and will spend the night with him. Family has been called....and I will be surprised if he lasts the week....but he could. He has always been tenacious. There are such rituals when a life is ending.

There is just the clearing out of "stuff". It has been such a lesson to me....the gathering of things. Nobody wants most of the stuff. We hang on to such silly things. We are such gatherers...and then someone else goes through it...and it means nothing to them. It is a reminder to me to be more selective about what I hang on to...and what I toss.

Jim will be losing his last parent. The sandwich is becoming smaller. We are moving from the middle of the sandwich to the top layer. We will be the matriarch and the patriarch of the family and I think we are a little young for such a distinguished position. It also means we are moving up in years...and I am not thrilled with that notion either. Jim and I will have both lost our dads within the same year. Our children lost both grandfathers...and I feel hollow...drained...and just empty right now. I need for school to be over...and summer to be here. I need some time in my home without company or events...and just some peace. But....for now He will have to sustain us when we do not know how to pray as we ought....He will intercede with sighs too deep for words....and HE will carry us through when we don't have the energy or the strength to even be sad.

Moving Fast!

2008-05-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

Life has moved so quickly...I need to stop and catch my breath...but there is just no time. The last couple of months have been a swirl of activity. Amy has been the center of all the excitement. It has been her time! There were showers, parties, appointments to keep and lists to check off. Just when you thought the "to do" list was checked off another appeared. Through it all we tried to remember to have fun. Although there were times we wondered! And now....it is all over and a memory. I blinked...and the wedding was over!

Amy was a breathtaking bride...and Greg was a man in love. His face when he saw her was priceless. It was the face a mother wants to see when she is looking at the man that will take care of her daughter. The music was so beautiful...and meaningful. The words said were so precious...the vows so genuine. It was a magical evening....and then they were gone. One day she was our Amy and the next day...she belonged to another. It is the way it should be...but it feels a little sad. Maybe it is because she is our baby...the last to leave the nest...or maybe it is because we just don't like the feel of change...but whatever it is there is just a little niggle of sadness.

During the whirl of activity...Katie whispered that she and Charles are once again expecting. They are hesitant to shout it out this time...memories of the past prevent them from celebrating. Their joy is quieter and more sedate. They are anxious...but I feel at peace for them. I am betting on another granddaughter. Early January should be a special time once again for all of us. Amy and Greg will be settling here in town just in time for the new arrival. Time will creep and time will fly.

While the young ones are multiplying and building their futures...Papa is declining. We held our breath during the week of the wedding...not sure if he would make it. He did...even rallied enough to attend the wedding. He is frail and fragile. He will be 92 on Friday. His days are not long on this old earth and I think he longs to go on.

This year has been an amazing, exhausting journey! Funerals, weddings, births and graduations...have all marked moments in time that are to be recognized with life ceremonies. Jim and I held on tight...we've shed tears of despair and tears of joy. The middle of the sandwich has been squeezed! And we have survived to tell the tale of it! :)

My inside friends

2008-02-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

My inside friends housed in my heart keep me on my toes in this ole' world. Joy is a fickle friend...she comes bouncing into my life like an outgoing funny guest that is always welcome. She refreshes me with her sparkle and love for life. She stays awhile and fills up all the little spaces in my being. Her twin Happiness joins her and they just bubble over with goodness. Peace smiles wisely knowing that their visit will be fleeting....Peace knows that Joy and Happiness won't stay forever.

Then just as I am content with Joy and Happiness....Grief and Disappointment sneak inside and cut their visit short. They chase Joy and Happiness outside....and settle in. They are unwelcome guests...they weren't invited and they are obnoxious and greedy. They overstay their welcome. But Peace makes their stay bearable...again Peace smiles wisely knowing that regardless of those that drift in and out of my heart He lives there always. Peace is my loyal companion. Peace fills me with Hope.....and Hope will never disappoint me.

lost lullabies

2008-02-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

What to write? How do you express the deepest love for a daughter in pain? The last couple of weeks have brought amazing joy...and then as the see saw of life so often does...bang...we bump back to earth. Katie and Charles surprised us a couple of Sundays ago with the joyous news...they were having a baby! They drove down from the city and cleverly arranged for the Cassady family to meet the Russell family at the Cotton Patch for lunch. We are such predictable folk that they knew this was our Sunday lunch routine. We all gathered around a large table in the middle of the restaurant and enjoyed family. Then...with the gusto of a child...five year old Dillon announced that he was going to have a new cousin...that Aunt Katie and Uncle Charles were pregnant! An explosion of laughter, hugs, tears, and applause filled the room. No doubt everyone there was aware that a very important announcement had been made...and the happiness just spilled over into the room and the crowd.

Emails were sent out...phone calls made...the happy news was shared. Names were suggested...the Chinese birthing calendar was checked....and already predictions were made. What fun to think about this new little one!

It is a mystery....this life. Intellectually we know rough times build character. We know that trials make us stronger...but couldn't it just be possible to have a few growth spurts without the pain? We are at peace with living in The Light...even when it hurts. This little one was not meant to be....the little heart didn't beat....and life was never complete. The expectations of holding a small bundle of joy in September will have to wait. Tears are shed...hearts will heal...but we will always carry this tender February memory.

I have no doubt my Katie will be a mother one day. She was meant to be a mother. That is really all she has ever truly wanted. Someday there will be blue eyed little Cassady babies. The nursery will be painted with sweet pastel baby colors....the rocking chair will rock...and lullabies will be sung among stuffed animals and children's books. His timing is perfect...and His plan will unfold. We will be patient and wait.

In the meantime...we are just living in the sandwich.

Baby Ducks and Life

2008-01-26T05:00:00.000-08:00

Recently my aunt emailed me asking for advice about hatching baby ducks. Each spring when I taught first grade we received baby duck eggs from the 4-H extension office in our area to hatch in the classroom. Sometimes they brought us chicken eggs and one memorable time quail eggs…but hatching eggs was a springtime ritual that I never grew tired of! It was a fresh and exciting experience year after year.

The first year however taught me a life lesson I will never forget. I have never been one to pour over directions…but I wanted to do this just right. The directions were vague…and I was anxious. We marked our eggs with an X on one side and an O on the other side and turned them faithfully. Now they have nice little incubators that do the turning for you…but not back then. The class and I played the roll of the diligent mother duck and turned the eggs daily to assure that the baby ducklings would mature with out deformations. This also meant transporting them home on weekends…with out breakage!

After patiently waiting and faithfully turning the big time arrived! The first thing that happens is you hear tiny tapping noises…and faint cheeping noises coming from the incubator. It sounds like tiny little hammers just tapping away. This is called pipping. They pip with their little egg tooth for a good 24 hours until finally they have chipped a small crack in the shell of the egg. After more pipping the tiny crack becomes a tiny hole. Then they rest. They are so exhausted from hammering the tiny hole they sleep for about another 24 hours to prepare for the next struggle…the struggle of their life.

Now…this is where I messed up. In reading the directions it said that the struggle to escape their shell would last about 30-45 minutes. So being anxious and excited once they had their little tiny hole created I began to watch the clock…not allowing the much needed rest time. The babies were in our bathroom at home when all this excitement took place…directions at school.

I was so worried…they were not moving…they were not pipping and why not? They were resting…I was pacing. My babies were in trouble I assumed. I needed to help them. SO…I began to pick tiny pieces of the shell from one of the eggs. Jim, my wiser and more patient half, suggested we just wait and leave the others alone. But…this one little egg seemed to need me. Every few minutes I would stop by and pick a little more shell…each time the little duck would wiggle a bit encouraging me. And…finally I had chipped enough of the shell away that the little duck easily rolled out of the shell…alive…but limp....still. Although alive he couldn’t raise his little head…and his little feet were no help to him. I was devastated.

We separated him from his buddies…and put a warm light over him…provided nourishment, prayers and encouragement. We named him Sunny…because he was yellow and he reminded me of a little student in my class that was so precious…but struggled.

After doing some research we learned that I had not allowed Sunny to rest and then through my good intentions I had deprived Sunny of the struggle that would provide him with the much needed strength to his neck muscles that he would develop to lift his head. Each time the little duckling pushed on his shell he was growing stronger. I removed the struggle and what hatched was a helpless and handicapped little fellow that depended on us!

What a life lesson! As a parent…don’t we do that? As a Christian don’t we experience that? As a teacher I see so many parents that don’t want their children to experience any struggles…and yet those struggles often provide them with the very tools they will need to face life. The parent sometimes becomes the very source of the handicap!

As a Christian…I dread those struggles in life. But I also look back and realize those are the times that my faith is stretched, my views altered…my love and need for God take a giant step. Through the struggle we become strong! This phenomenon happens over and over in nature…consider the struggle of the butterfly from the cocoon, the struggle of all mammals to labor only to experience the ultimate joy of giving birth to their offspring. We can never truly know the joy of good times…without the contrast of the hard or sad times. Certainly only after the struggle do we truly appreciate even the regular times...the "not much going on...Praise the Lord" times! We find joy in the simplicity of life. Only when we have been lost do we understand the joy of being found...and saved!

Well, we had a happy ending. Sunny survived in spite of us…but we had to watch him struggle! He finally was able to lift his head and pick up his little clumsy feet. He had a tougher time…he was more delayed that the other ducklings…but eventually he was fine. His struggle occurred outside the shell…but he had to experience it none the less. A year later while grading papers I heard a loud quacking in the hall. The student that had taken Sunny home to parent was walking into my room with a waist high, white, very proud duck close at his heels quacking loudly. It was Sunny! He had grown into a majestic creature. It was such a delight to watch that big white duck waddle back to his humble beginnings! It is a sight that warms my heart and makes me smile to this day.

SO…weak and struggling baby duckling, good intentions…to majestic duck, proud and independent…and a life lesson…it all just makes me want to quack!

Ensure...for sure!

2008-01-18T19:49:00.000-08:00

Surely Ensure is the new power drink for the elderly! Forget all that stuff athletes drink....they should be drinking Ensure....it is solely responsible for tremendous numbers of the aged living well past one hundred! Papa is actually 91...but when you ask him he is going on 93. He is known for stretching the truth...and at this point in his life it is more exciting to be going on 93 than to just be plain ole' 91. He has lost most of his teeth and due to the blood thinners he takes he is not a good candidate for extensive dental work....therefore....he drinks many cans of Ensure a day...and thrives quiet well on the nutrients from this drink.

Ensure is quiet expensive...about a dollar a can. We buy lots of it...cases, in fact from Sams. Jim had mentioned on several occasions that Papa was really going through the Ensure. Recently his need for the life sustaining liquid doubled. Any inheritance we ever had any visions of was going toward the purchase of Ensure. After questioning Papa Jim discovered that he is providing Ensure for his buddies....when going visiting or having guests in his room...he always offers them an Ensure....much like "Come on down to my place for a beer..." only...now he is the perfect host sharing his Ensure with his buddies. (Wonder if it comes in kegs?)

After Christmas we got a call from a friend of mine. Her dad is a recent resident of Papa's place. They have become good buddies. After Christmas she left a couple of messages on our answering machine while we were gone....no doubt this was a Papa related matter. Sure enough...after hesitating for a few minutes....she very sweetly told me that our daddy was bringing Ensure to her daddy and her daddy couldn't drink it because he was a diabetic. She asked her dad why he didn't just tell Papa that he couldn't drink Ensure...that his doctor wouldn't let him. He looked at her very seriously and said that Papa was his friend and he didn't want to hurt his feelings....so he keeps an empty can around and pretends to drink the drink while Papa is there....when actually he hides the full can. After Papa leaves...he puts the unopened full cans in his closet. When she checked the closet....there were about 75 cans of Ensure stacked neatly.

Being a sharp "on the ball" kind of gal....she suggested that she take the Ensure to someone that could use it. He agreed that would be a splendid idea....and so....as you have already probably guessed.....she had a trunk load of Ensure to deliver to us.......so we could re-cycle it back to Papa! We have a black market Ensure ring.....car trunk drug deals going on in our drive way!

It has all worked out! We are grateful for the financial relief....Papa continues in his role of generous host....his buddy remains the loyal friend with his pretend can...his daughter will continue to be our supplier and everyone is happy......for at least another 15-20 years....after all it is ENSURE...power drink for the elderly! Surely, this is one happy ending! :)

Thanksgiving thoughts

2007-11-19T04:36:00.000-08:00

As I reflect back to past years when we were entertained by the Russell troupe on the fireplace stage....other Thanksgivings come to mind. I miss those days....when we were the young ones....with little ones. I was thinner....certainly more energetic...and all I was responsible for was a few pies....and helping out when needed. Now....we are the matriarch and patriarch of the family and I am not all that thrilled with the position or the responsibilities. :)

My plan....and hope was that the whole dressing deal would skip a generation....go from Mom to Katie or Amy...but it has landed here now. We have Dad's recipe...we did get him to write it down as he made it one year....but it will never taste the same ....much like Gran's famous pound cake. He believed in getting your hands dirty....digging deep into the cornbread and broth...and he always tasted it along....adding more sage. We will try to recreate it...and recapture it...but it will be his touch that will be missing. How do you add a dash of Dad to cornbread dressing?

Amy is home...and we are treasuring these two days with her alone. That doesn't happen much anymore so it is sacred time. We snuggle and giggle and try to catch up on all the nonsense...some serious....some whimsical....and lots of hugging sandwiches. She has been clipping pictures from magazines to create the perfect wedding. We don't always see eye to eye....but I am reminded it is her wedding...and it is. Her dilemma is sometimes she is elegant and other times fun with a touch of country....or other times shabby chic with glitz and glamor . Getting all of her moods and tastes and visions pulled together is a challenge. But...that is Amy....complicated but simple. It is what makes her so special. So her wedding will be her! And....that means is will be the most special wedding ever....with the most beautiful bride and the most handsome groom. I can't wait! What fun!

Katie and Charles are in Vegas taking a much needed little break and then coming here to spend the holidays with family. They will go back and forth and back again between the two families. We are so blessed because all the kid's other families are right around here....making it nice for us....probably tough for them.

Mom is coming. Jim and I have both lost a parent...his dad will join my mom at the table. Both feeling the loss of their mates. Mom's loss will be fresh...Papa's loss is constant. Dad's dressing...Gran's Waldorf salad....both will be reminders of the past....but we are thankful. Along with the memories of the past there will be a new addition to remind us of the future....Andy and Bobbie will have their first year with their little blessing. We are all thankful for the joy that Miss Shelby has brought to our lives. We have lost.....and we have grown....and that is the nature of the sandwich!

Old Oak Piano

2007-11-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

The old oak piano sits in our living room taking up space. It is no longer used. It is now a lovely very large piece of furniture used for lifting up family photos or a nice addition to the room at Christmas. It lends itself well to decorations...and is certainly perfect for holding an aged Christmas carol songbook. Wonder what that old piano would say if she could talk? Lots of stories and songs housed in that ole' oak frame.

Jim and I purchased it nearly thirty years ago at a garage sale across the street when we lived on Mark Drive. The man that lived there brought old pianos back to life...this one came from the old Caddo school house in Oklahoma and has 1890 somewhere on the back. It never had the best tone...it was always a little twangy...but we loved it. It had character and a history...and we spent money we didn't have to make it ours. Right away it proved to be a challenge due to the weight of the music housed in oak. Jim insisted I decide the first time where I wanted it to sit...because it would not be moved ever again! I believe he has made that declaration on several occasions now.

I resumed my own lessons while the kids were babies...declaring that now that I was an adult I would master the piano. I didn't care for the lessons as a young person...not having the discipline for it...but now that I was older surely I could become a fine pianist. With my old sheet music...I became pretty proficient at a few old tunes. My plunking was for my pleasure only...nothing to brag about or perform for others.

Our family grew and as each child became "of age" we signed them up for piano lessons. Andy was by far our most musical one. He caught on to tunes quickly and memorized them easily. Katie...not so much. She was pretty good...but not disciplined at all with practice. She just wanted to play really well right away ( a feeling I recognized by the way!) Amy....absolutely hated it! My memories of her stomping out of the piano teacher's house still makes me laugh. With hair bouncing, she stomped to the car and slammed the door. She declared for all the world to hear that the piano teacher tooted and she smelled bad...and Amy was done with her! Needless to say...sending her weekly to face the gas chamber was not working and was a waste of money and time. We allowed her to quit. She never looked back...and we saved a few bucks to be sure!

For years and years the piano has been sitting quietly. She still gets her lemon oil bath monthly...but her notes are very out of tune. She sings off key and some of the keys no longer sing at all...like an old woman aging she creaks and squeaks. A couple of times we ran an ad in the paper thinking of selling her....but it felt like selling part of the family...so when we had no takers...we were fine with it. Our attempts were half hearted anyway.

And then....a new little Russell arrived on the scene. Miss Shelby Grace likes to plunk! What baby doesn't...she sits on my lap and we bang together. I still remember "I Dropped my Dolly in the Dirt" and chopsticks...but that is about all. It is enough for Miss Shelby. We "play" for many minutes. New hope for a new Russell. Maybe she will be our piano prodigy...or maybe she will just enjoy the joy of learning an instrument.

I am sure our old oak friend is relieved and revived knowing that she is of use once again. Her future is secure and with the help of a good piano man she will once again sing on key with the help of a child!

Daddy's Tools

2007-10-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a weekend of nostalgia...cleaning out the Dad's garage. Again...I was "sandwiched". My girls were in Oklahoma City having fun...and Mom needed me. Do you choose to spend time with the girls...shopping and giggling...or go home to be with Mom? Weighing between wants and needs...isn't that what most of life boils down to? I chose the path of need...knowing that the other path, although fun, would be filled with guilt.

So...after work on Friday night I headed out alone to go be with Mom. The weekend before had been especially hard for all of us since it was the one month anniversary of Dad's death. Although I was tired...I put in Barbara Streisand...and sang big! Then...followed that up with "Newsies"! I was bound for showbiz in my van on the road! Stopped for a cappuccino in Weatherford...to keep me awake for the duration of the road trip. Got to Rising Star around 10:00....and as I entered his town the heavy cloak of grief draped itself around me.

It is easy to pretend that Dad is still alive while at home. It just feels normal most days....and then I remember. He is gone...and I will never see him again. But when I drive to his town...pull into his driveway....and pass his bedroom it is hard to pretend. Even wearing the cloak....it is good to be home.

We tackled the garage on Saturday morning...early. What is it about men and their tools? Dad was not known for his expertise as a mechanic or a handyman around the house. Even still....he had tools! I guess every time he needed a nail...he went to town and bought a little brown bag of nails....and used a couple....leaving the rest in the bag. We emptied dozens of little brown bags into a bucket. He also kept empty containers....lots of them...this also is a man thing. I think they think that they will need these empty containers to house nails.....but somehow the little nails stayed snug in brown bags and the containers remained empty....waiting for the little nails. Shelf by shelf we sorted cleaned and trashed "stuff".

Guy chose the things he wanted....I picked out anything that I thought might be good to keep....and a junk man came and gave us $50 to haul the rest off. Mom now has a squeaky clean garage. How sad...all day I could hear Dad's voice in my head...."Aw...Beck...don't mess with all that ole' junk." His voice is in my head a lot these days.....I can hear it as clear as a bell.....I am scared I might forget it. Will I? I hope not.....I want to keep the voice. After cleaning up the garage....we settled in to picking out pecans. I brought home pounds and pounds of pecans. Shelling peas, picking out pecans....picking okra...those are the tasks that Dad and I enjoyed together. They are just one of the many things that will remind me of him.

Sunday was especially hard.....the ritual of getting ready for church...the drive to church...pulling into the parking lot.....his pew.....the singing. It was all just so difficult. My plan was to "be there" for mom.....but I wasn't much good at it today. I walked out during the second song.....spent some time in the ladies room....just sitting on the lid of the toilet....sobbing. Where did that come from? I could just see Dad in his blue sweater with the burgundy trim....kind of bent over....with his rough ole' hands folded. AND....then we went to Pizza Heaven for heaven's sake! :) Our favorite after church place....cheap pizza....and lots of it!

Then back home. Where is home these days? Here...there....where is my heart? To whom do I belong? Tomorrow I will not be a daughter...I will be a grandmother. In between...I will be a mom, a wife and a teacher. Suddenly...I feel weary. Is there enough to go around....can I do it? Can I be all that?

So here I am again...picking out headstones for grave sites...and picking out bridesmaid dresses for an upcoming wedding. "Sandwiched".....between past, present and future.....generations....and that is life.

Faith Walks at ACU

2007-09-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

After spending hours at a time in a hospital room....I left and went for walks on the ACU walking trail....which I have re-named....as I took faith walks each morning....or evening....depending on what worked out. As I walked I was struck by so many memories....

ACU has been such a vital part of my history. It was due to my Dad....and his stubborness that I attended there. I will forever be grateful that his wisdom outweighed my youthful rebellion. I remember him with his hat in his hand in the ACC financial aid office.....which for my Dad was way out of his comfort zone.....and it was a humbling experience for him. But he was willing to be humbled for the sake of his love for his daughter. Later when I was the secretary for the Industrial Arts Department...under Dr. Don Drennan and Bert Mosier.....he would stop by and visit me.....in his old pick up truck with the tailor hitched to the back....on the way to or from the cow sale. On one occasion he stopped by to visit me with a load of pigs.....and I was so embarrassed. Looking back with the wisdom that comes with age...I am a little ashamed that I would ever have been embarrassed by my Dad! I grew here....I fell in love here......

Then when Andy was so sick......we came here....and Norman Archibald arranged for us to live in Sherrod Apartments one summer so he could re-gain his health in the West Texas dry air.....we came with a sick little boy....and in the fall left with a healthy tan little fellow.

When it was time for me to gently nudge all three children from the nest....we nudged them to fly west.....and again.....I have three precious memories of dropping children off for their first year of college......and independence. But each time I left with the reassurance that they were in a place where they could grow....and flourish spiritually and intellectually.

Once again I return....to Abilene.....and find myself "at home" on a faith walk at ACU. As I waited for Dad to pass from this old world to the next....ACU was once again...right there at a crossroad moment in my life. As I walked past scriptures....and viewed the campus....I thought of our parallels in life......we were young and on the brink of discovery when I was there....and through the years we have both grown.....we are both much more mature.....each of us has grappled with faith issues.....and we have lived through a battle or two......but thriving and more beautiful than ever. Well, ACU is more beautiful than ever....and will continue to be......I on the other hand carry the wrinkles of time....and wear my battle scars! :) But I find such comfort in our history together. She has become my Jerusalem.

So...those are my faith walk thoughts....while watching the morning sunrise....or the unique West Texas sunsets. It is a beloved place....that I will forever hold in my heart.

Final Journey

2007-09-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

Dad left this world around noon today. He had a hard night last night....and he is resting now. One of our angel nurses told me last night that sometimes it just takes a little longer to prepare their special place....and that we could take comfort in knowing that his special home was being prepared for him....and they were not quiet ready for his arrival. The finishing touches have now been completed....his home has now been prepared.....and he is standing amazed at the throne of God. I can see him young and healthy....with bright blue eyes.....and a cowboy hat cocked to the side a bit.....looking over a nice little spread....

The funeral ...or celebration of his life will be at 10:00 on Monday in Rising Star....that is what we are thinking right now. Memorials to Christian Homes of Abilene will be requested rather than flowers. That is where Guy and Cheryl adopted Haley....therefore, it is a special place in the hearts of our family.

We have felt all the prayers and love that has been offered over the last week. Last night was the last leg of this journey.....and we are so filled with joy that Dad has reached his final destination. God is so good.....and He has been right beside us every step of the way.

Thoughts from Hospice floor

2007-09-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

The week seems endless....just more of the same....waiting...and watching. There are signs that Dad is declining....lower blood pressure, high heart rate, minimal urine output......all the medical jargon that goes with a life ending.

There angels on this earth....living, breathing angels.....they no longer wear white starched dresses with pinned on little caps....they have updated their uniforms to colorful scrubs and bright crocks. But...still they are angels. We have angels Mary, Suzanne and
Karena. They have paid attention to details....like how Dad puts his left hand into a fist and props his chin up when he sleeps. They will position him just right. They love on him and talk to him.....and sprinkle baby powder on his sheet around his feet so he smells nice....and it is cool to his touch. I am certain that if they removed their "jackets" beautiful gossamer wings would unfurl.

More angels arrived last night....a large group of them in fact.....they gathered around his bed and sang old hymns to him. He roused...at the tune of "The Old Rugged Cross" and "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" and "The Lord Bless You and Keep You". When I asked him if he thought it was pretty....he said, "You bet!" It was a special moment we will never forget. Another moment in his journey....

I "talked" with him last night....he had an old cow trader buddy named Sam.....Sam was a character....but he was honest....and he always behaved himself around Dad. Sam died many years ago....but we always heard many a cow trading story about Sam. Last night I said to dad..."wonder what ole' Sam is doing about now..." Dad replied, "He's waiting on me!" It made us smile.....except my brother reminded me that he wasn't sure Sam was where Dad was headed....:)

We have laughed, we have cried....and we have heard many stories about Dad through visitors. Dad was a cow trader....not a rancher....there is a difference. A rancher has land.....Dad had only 10 acres and a pen behind our house. He bought and sold....buy cheap...sell high. He would buy some of the most sickly pitiful calves you could ever imagine.....bring them back to health and fatten them up....and sell them at a good price. He could look at a herd....predict their weight...calculate the price they would bring in his head.....almost to the penny. He was honest....and respected...by fellow cow men....and the community. I am so proud to have had him as my Dad.

I did get an email from Bobbie that our Shelby is walking! I can't wait to see her little shiny face. A life beginning....a life ending.......and that is life......those of us in the middle.....watch it all with wonder. "We must not cry that it is over.....but smile that it happened"...those thoughts from a friend that dropped by this morning.

Daddy Bob update

2007-09-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

Guy and I are taking turns staying with Dad. They have a roll away mattress but it is springy and creaky so we have decided the best way is to throw the mattress on the floor. It is not bad....you don't sleep too soundly anyway....much like the old days when you listened for your baby to cry....only now you are aware of the labored breathing beside you....and you sit up instantly when it gets quiet......then there is a gasp.....and you relax again.

Guy and I decided that Dad hated the "bubble wrap" under the sheets....so we took matters in our own hands....Guy held Dad in his arms...lifted him and I stripped it off....folded up and hid it in the closet. Dad has rested better since....or maybe we have! The nurse was not pleased with us.....and we are not normally rule breakers.....but it felt good to do something a little rebellious....and by golly....it was something we could DO.....so we did! My brother and I have reverted to our sibling rivalry. I am the big sis and he is the little brother....the problem is...he isn't! He is a grown man with opinions and he makes decisions....but he is however, the same aggravating little brother that torments me at the first opportunity! He is a good, sweet man....and we are learning so much about the other.

We have been disturbed by mom....she goes home (drives 50 miles) every night. It seemed silly to us and we kept insisting that she stay....since my brother lives in town....she has been equally insistent that she go home each night. It was my night off last night so I went home with her....and instantly I knew why she is going home. Dad's pick-up greets you as you pull in the drive way. His old tractor that he tinkered with all the time is in the garden....midway...in the middle of a row. Looks like he may have started something he could not quiet finish one day. That is where Daddy is....home. The moment I walked through the back door I saw his old coat and hat hanging on the hat stand....with his old boots underneath. His chair smells like him....and his socks are still beside his chair. Mom goes home to be with Dad.....he is not here in this sterile hospital room.

We have had silent moments, moments of grief and as you know....our family copes with humor. Last night Mom sat looking at Dad and said......"Well, he has been sleeping like that for six weeks.....I guess when he finally gets there he will sure be rested! " My brother and I looked at each other and then all three of us just folded in laughter.....with tears streaming down our cheeks. I am not sure it was that funny.....but it was nice to laugh....and one pitiful joke led to another. We are either a healthy family or a very sick family......but it was a much needed release. Dad would have been right there with us......he is the master of humor and certainly the master of spinning a good yarn!

Breakfast this morning was lonely.....Dad loved breakfast and he was always the one that fixed breakfast. At home you always woke up to the smell of coffee, bacon or sausage. He always bought those 99 cent biscuits that you whopped on the side of the counter to open. So....you heard the "whop" and smelled the smells. We always tried to get him to buy a better brand of biscuits....but he always said, "these will do just fine." And we ate them....with homemade plum jelly and of course, the ever present cream gravy. There was always a black cast iron skillet close by....for frying a little ham.....or some potatoes. This morning...the kitchen was quiet....and clean.....no smells. Mom and I tried to fix something healthy....and it just felt sad. I longed for cheap biscuits and cold ham.

Well, in God's time. We have a little blue book that explains the stages ....and what to look for. So we are seeing a few of the signs...if Dad chooses to go by the book......but he never has.....and I imagine he will go his own way this time as well. I know there is a life going on outside these walls....but it all seems so unimportant....and insignificant. For now....we are just waiting....drinking lots of coffee....and treasuring the memories.

The beginning of the end....

2007-09-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

Since we have learned of Dad's cancer we have made as many trips as possible to visit. Bobbie, Andy, Shelby and Katie joined on this weekend to visit Dad in the hospital. On Saturday the doc called the family in and told us that Dad would be moved to the 7th floor...the Hospice floor. I followed him out of the room...told him I was from out of town and wondered if I should go...or stay. He told me to stay....that Dad had days not weeks...and maybe just hours. SO...here I am.

We are setting up our temporary home here on the seventh floor at Hendrick Memorial Hospital in Abilene. This floor is devoted to Hospice patients. There are only 7 rooms.....very large and more like a nice hotel room....there are two large family rooms with a kitchen, dining room table, and two living areas with a big screen tv. There is a shower area for families to clean up....roll away beds for you to stay....and it is very homey and nice. What a gift to families in their last days with their loved ones. I writing from from a computer in the family room. Amy lives a couple of blocks away...you can see her roof from Dad's window.

I stayed with Dad last night....he was restless.....and frustrated. I am not sure what he thought Hospice was.....but it is not exactly what he anticipated. He is ready to "go on home" and it is taking a little longer than he had planned. At 3 o'clock this morning we watched the Food channel and then "Gunsmoke" together. I said..."Well, look...there is Rowdy." He quickly corrected me and said, "That is Festus........Rowdy was in Rawhide!" So....nothing wrong with his thought processes! He has asked several times this morning when the Cowboy game was coming on.....but of course, when it comes on he will pretty much sleep through it. It is a very odd experience...waiting...anticipating....expecting...

wondering.....how do you do that? There is no right or wrong way.......just.....existing....and savoring moments.

My prayers have altered....I now pray for less not more......so that he can make a sooner transition from this world to the next. He is tired of this old worldly body....and that stupid mattress that makes that annoying crackling sound. He longs for heaven......and I am sure they are preparing a special place for him where old cow traders go with rolling pastures and fat cattle roaming. That would be Dad's street of gold.

Greg..."will you marry me?" Amy..."Yes!"

2007-08-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

It was an exciting weekend! Greg had been plotting and planning for weeks. He had purchased the ring some time ago...but didn't to give it to Amy during finals...or when they were just worn out after finals. So he has been patiently been waiting for just the right time..and setting. He had decided that because they were such family people....that the proposal would involve their families....which we loved, of course!

He had a "one-sy" made for Shelby that said "Uncle Greg?" on the front and "Please say yes!" on her little bottom. Then his sister had t-shirts made for her daughters...Greg's nieces. One said...."Once upon a time" and the other said "they lived happily ever after". With all the nieces dressed and ready he had a plan! Greg had arranged for his parents, his sister and her family to all be here for the big question....making it a big family affair.

That morning early Katie and I decided that it would be a great idea for all of us to go get pedicures and manicures ...with the idea that it would be good for Amy's hands to look pretty. :) While we kept her busy and got her all beautiful.....Greg was checking and organizing behind the scenes. The plan was that his family and Bobbie, Andy and Shelby would all arrive at DeVoli's around five and we would arrive around 5:30. We had to get Amy dressed up somehow....so we convinced her that they should at least try to make it to one of her friend’s wedding reception...... so with that in mind she got all dressed up (which is not the usual case for Amy!) We walked in and she sat with her back turned to the "big room"....Greg excused himself....and then walked toward her with Shelby, Emmie and Bailey (all nieces...in their "will you marry me?" attire) It was a complete surprise to Amy especially as she saw one unexpected family member after the other. Then Greg got down on one knee and with the ring......just said the sweetest words......... all the while Amy is bouncing up and down saying "yes! Yes! YES!" We were then moved to another...much larger table....and we had a wonderful family dinner together. The music played....they danced….it was a perfect evening.

After dinner we came back to our house for cake and coffee....it was Greg's sister, Kristen's birthday. So we had a birthday party for her. We invited our neighbors over.....they knew about the whole surprise... they couldn't wait to share in the excitement. We took the kids next door for a swim...at Linda's house....and we just had a relaxing time there. When the little ones almost fell asleep in the pool....we called it a night....although I am not sure anyone was quiet ready for it all to end.

Greg's family went to church with us....all together we had around 14 or so....then on to our traditional spot...Cotton Patch.....where we visited some more. The talk was of wedding colors, customs and traditions......and other weddings we had attended that were memorable. Their family is just great....and it just feels so right. Lots of hugging ....and lots of excitement about the future….

The kids left this afternoon.....all smiles...and full of plans. It has been a fun and exhausting weekend. Amy will come home next weekend...and will be here for a couple of weeks. I am hoping to get some things done with her while she is here. Spring weddings fill my mind…..

one layer

2007-08-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

What a week! The possibility of feeling happy and sad at the same time....is exhausting. It is the sandwich of life once again....smushing me! Our 24 year old baby brought home her honey...and he asked for her hand in marriage. We couldn't be more delighted. He is just precious. They will make a fine pair in life...their hearts compliment each other. While basking in the joy of future beginnings....Grief decided to make an unannounced visit. Like a sneak he slipped in the back door and made himself at home in our hearts with news about my dad....Daddy Bob to my children. Daddy Bob has cancer. What an awful word. It just sounds like itself...a word that eats away at a sentence...and your life.

We have known a while that something was wrong...all the signs. The weight loss....no appetite....sleeping many hours....symptoms of a body weary from fighting an invisible enemy. But still... to hear the word....the word you thought you were mentally prepared to hear....Fear, the old friend to Grief....sucker punched us right in the gut. Just simply took our breath away....tears are just on the edge like a cup that has been filled too full....just the tiniest incident and they travel on their own, making little snail trails across my face. Fear and Grief feel like a heavy coat that you want to shed in August.....but you can't quite throw it off.

Until....Joy elbows Hope and they come to your rescue in the body of a beautiful 8 month old baby girl. With twinkling eyes and a little pouting mouth she succeeds in defeating Fear and Grief by just simply giggling and clapping her little chubby hands. The heavy coat of sadness lifts and my heart feels light and joyful once again.

Life with new babies, new beginnings and endings.....and I am in the middle where I experience it all....with new perspective each day. Perhaps the endings are just new beginnings as well. If I believe that...and I do....can Grief and Fear ever become frequent or permanent visitors? I don't think there is room....my heart will always be filled with my loyal and faithful friends, Hope and Joy!

Camp Creek with Shelby

2007-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on the porch watching Miss Shelby play in her Einstein chair….which they did not have with my babies! She doesn’t miss a thing….when a bird sings she stops and looks for it. She takes in each leaf blowing in the wind and is mesmerized by the wind chimes. There is something so incredibly precious about a baby in the morning. They wake up so blissfully cheerful with their mussed hair and little puffy eyes. They smell of last nights bath and they love you unabashedly! We should learn to welcome each new day in such a way…..when did we stop? The world is filled with wonder…and you are their guide. What a responsibility! To guide wonder to wonderful!

She is teaching me so much, our little wonder baby. She is reminding me of how amazing it can be to watch a bug crawl across the floor….how to shake my head “no” when I have had enough to eat! She shares slobbery kisses and laughs at the smallest pieces of life. She trembles with joy when it is bath time and literally bounces her days away. She is a combination of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh and Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web….two of my favorite children stories. If Shelby is Tigger….maybe I am Pooh, lover of honey. Or maybe I am Charlotte, wise and knowing….but more importantly willing to make any sacrifice for my sweet Shelby!

Chinese Gift Exchange at Park Avenue

2007-07-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

The Annual Chinese Gift Exchange at our church is a tradition.I had not been in years....not since Lou Rasco held a microphone and at the opening of every gift asked, "Who brought that?" It was always kind of embarrassing if your gift was lame...old women can get brutal. There was "the look" at you over their glasses that felt disapproving. But this year I decided to be a sport. I saved the date on my calendar, shopped ahead of time and made an all out effort to dress "Christmas-y" and arrive on time with my finger food.

This year there were exactly 36 gifts...I know because I was number 23 and sat beside number 34. Thought it would never end! On the other side of me was sweet Jackie Carson....who cannot see....and wanted all the details of each gift narrated for her. Who was getting up? What did they open? Bless her heart. She asked me to get her gift for her...now this is pressure. Do you pick the really big nicely wrapped gift that screams "pick me"? Or do you pick a smaller gift that might contain an unexpected surprise? Selecting carefully, Miss Jackie opened a stainless steel cooking thing...spoons and such....of course, it was quite useless to her and I felt guilty.She had her eye on a musical dolphin thing....she loves dolphins...and it sang the tune of a song that was in her wedding (I know...who would have thought such a gift would appear at the annual politically incorrect Chinese gift exchange!)

So...I stole her stainless steel cooking set leaving her empty handed so that I could in turn steal the musical dolphin for her. She was thrilled and even cried....the whole scene was just too emotional...practically cried myself! I think the Good Lord must have smiled on me at the end of the exchange....one of our good sisters said she need a stainless steel cooking set swapping me for it. I ended up with some nice smelling potpourri....which was probably a better trade than I deserved. I helped clean up a little ...and left Miss Jackie wiping her eyes listening to dolphins sing "I love you truly."

There was lots of food...lots of laughs...and a real mixture of young and old. Some amazing, "I can't believe you made that" gifts and some "I can't believe you brought that" gifts. Some sweet..."I couldn't take that away from you" gals....and some "I'll take whatever I want from young mothers or their babies" gals. And then there was the amazing, mouth gaping gift that Faye Todd must have spent an entire year working on....a patch work Christmas tree skirt! Everyone just simply drooled over it. If I had made such a gift....it would have become a family heirloom to be passed down from generation to generation. But there she was ...exchanging it for something equally valuable...or not!

I wore my overalls and the Christmas turtle neck that Donna Hodge gave me....I love it by the way! Daisy Miller, arriving in her vintage convertible Cadillac, was decked out in a fabulous black outfit with rhinestone chandelier earrings and big shiny pins....two for good measure! At one point she made the statement that she wished they were videoing the event just so the men could see what they were missing. I bet! Somehow I think it might just confirm what they already imagine. It was fun...and funny!

I doubt God passes out stars in our crowns for partying ...but maybe for singing dolphins...who knows? Next year I must plan to go again....and bring an amazing gift. I might start on mine right after Christmas....it must be a heady experience to have everyone fighting over the thing that was made by your own hand. Nah.....I'll just keep an eye out for the sales!

Blog beginnings!

2007-07-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

What in the world am I doing? A granny with a blog.....what fun! I doubt many will read it ...but won't my kids be surprised when I send them my blog spot. It is a cloudy day....in July. We have had record breaking rains and flooding here in north Texas. It doesn't seem like summer...but half of it has already drifted away. It has been a nice and quiet week at home and I have been able to get a lot done at a slow pace. We are looking forward to going to Camp Creek this next week. I hope the sun will come out so we can enjoy the lake. If not, it should be a long week.

I often have things to say...sometimes having this brain in my head wears me out. I have so many thoughts about so many things (not that any of them are useful) but lots of stuff jumping around up there. Life is funny! Don't you think? I sometimes feel as if I am playing Lucille Ball in a sitcom...or maybe I am Ethel? Would that make Jim Fred? Nah...he is definitely Ricky Ricardo...or maybe he is Andy and I am Barney? :) But it seems as if we sort of bumble through life....happy and satisfied but bumbling none the less.

We are clearly the "Sandwich Generation". We are the group that figured out how to extend life....so our parents are living forever. We won't of course, because they will kill us! :) We are caring for the elderly and supporting the young marrieds and playing with the grand babies. Although I only have one...I expect to have many more. Now...grand babies and the elderly are not all that different...they act the same.....it is just that the former is more fun than the latter and they smell a little better. You can also put the younger ones in "time out"...your parents won't go there....no matter how much you insist! We are squeezed in the middle of life. The down side is that it just wears you slap out...the up side is that clearly if you are in this situation it means that those that you love are alive and well....and kicking. It is surely a mixed blessing.

SO....sometimes I will write about grand babies...and it will be a warm and fuzzy reading. Other times I will write about my kids with great pride....and maybe some worry thrown in for good measure. And I might write about my husband who is still the most adorable man I have ever met. Finally, with tongue in cheek and with a great deal of sarcasm and humor I will write about the old folks....and all their antics and issues. If you are reading this...you are a friend or family....so you can laugh and cry with me as I bumble through this life and have a ball creating my blog! :)