Papa

Weary...and waiting once again. We got a call from Stonebrook this morning and they have called Hospice. Papa is not doing well. There is never a good time...but it is as if he wanted to celebrate one more birthday and then his journey was over. Papa always loved his birthday! He started planning it early...and had multiple parties. The coffee buddies from Whataburger showed up on Thursday with a cake to surprise him. They tied bright colored balloons on the back of his wheelchair and tried to spark that old party spirit....but Jim said he just didn't have that spunk that he normally can turn on in a crowd. The party is over. He is in his last days. Jim has spent the day and will spend the night with him. Family has been called....and I will be surprised if he lasts the week....but he could. He has always been tenacious. There are such rituals when a life is ending.

There is just the clearing out of "stuff". It has been such a lesson to me....the gathering of things. Nobody wants most of the stuff. We hang on to such silly things. We are such gatherers...and then someone else goes through it...and it means nothing to them. It is a reminder to me to be more selective about what I hang on to...and what I toss.

Jim will be losing his last parent. The sandwich is becoming smaller. We are moving from the middle of the sandwich to the top layer. We will be the matriarch and the patriarch of the family and I think we are a little young for such a distinguished position. It also means we are moving up in years...and I am not thrilled with that notion either. Jim and I will have both lost our dads within the same year. Our children lost both grandfathers...and I feel hollow...drained...and just empty right now. I need for school to be over...and summer to be here. I need some time in my home without company or events...and just some peace. But....for now He will have to sustain us when we do not know how to pray as we ought....He will intercede with sighs too deep for words....and HE will carry us through when we don't have the energy or the strength to even be sad.