Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Journey is finished.

Yesterday, early in the morning...Papa quietly slipped away from this life to the next. Jim had stayed with him all Saturday, Saturday night and most of Sunday. Don came and relieved him. Don stayed Sunday night and Monday morning he was gone. He lived 92 years...and two days. It is certainly like him to squeeze in one more birthday celebration on this earth. He did love his birthday!

Each son is grieving in a different way. Jim's whole life has been defined by either working with his parents or caring for them. He is at a loss. There is a tremendous sense of relief...and perhaps a little bit of creating the image of a saint. That is natural....but the truth is my dad and his dad were both very human...with human frailties and flaws. Neither were saints....both were good men. They were of that generation of men that lived through wars, hard work was valued, and integrity was important. They had a tough time saying "I love you"...or "I am proud of you" ...but you knew they did and they were by their actions.

Jim....is human too....although in my eyes he is very close to being a saint. He has been the most unselfish and giving son any one could imagine. He is a good, good man....and I am thankful each day that I have been blessed with his friendship and his love. I have just walked this walk...and I know what he is struggling with....and the loss he feels. I hurt with him and for him. I also celebrate that he will finally be free to live. The layers of the sandwich are being peeled away....only my mom is left. She will be plenty! :)

On the flip side of this sandwich of life....Katie and Charles heard a healthy strong heartbeat today! As one life ends...and another is beginning. The cycle of life continues...just as it should.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Life...Death...and Life again

This morning in church the communion mediation caused me to ponder. The fellow speaking compared death to our birth. It seemed absurd in the beginning...and then it didn't. He asked us.."What if we could know what babies were thinking right before they were born?" They must feel very secure in that warm sack that protects and nourishes them. Then....suddenly they are squeezed...and pushed into a cold bright sterile room, poked and prodded by a gloved hand. Surely, they must desire to return to the known world of amniotic fluid. But...what if they had stayed....they would have missed life! The outside adventures were worth the struggle. Soon an exciting whole new world opens up to them..... a world of colors and sounds and touches.

It is possible that the struggle to die is similar. We are fearful of what we do not know. We feel secure here...we know this world with it good and evil...but still it is familiar. But what awaits us on the other side is worth the struggle of death that we must endure to get to our eternal life. It is painful to watch...if you are the one on the outside...but the promise of a perfect and beautiful life on the other side is worth dying for. We are watching Papa struggle to pass over....and praying for a swift and painless journey. Transitions...we are born physically...we live.....then we die spiritually in baptism to be born a new creature. Finally...we die physically to live again forever with our Father...and our brother. Each transition is preceded by a struggle whether it be physical or spiritual...then ends with a victory....joy....life! Life...death...and life again...forever!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Papa

Weary...and waiting once again. We got a call from Stonebrook this morning and they have called Hospice. Papa is not doing well. There is never a good time...but it is as if he wanted to celebrate one more birthday and then his journey was over. Papa always loved his birthday! He started planning it early...and had multiple parties. The coffee buddies from Whataburger showed up on Thursday with a cake to surprise him. They tied bright colored balloons on the back of his wheelchair and tried to spark that old party spirit....but Jim said he just didn't have that spunk that he normally can turn on in a crowd. The party is over. He is in his last days. Jim has spent the day and will spend the night with him. Family has been called....and I will be surprised if he lasts the week....but he could. He has always been tenacious. There are such rituals when a life is ending.

There is just the clearing out of "stuff". It has been such a lesson to me....the gathering of things. Nobody wants most of the stuff. We hang on to such silly things. We are such gatherers...and then someone else goes through it...and it means nothing to them. It is a reminder to me to be more selective about what I hang on to...and what I toss.

Jim will be losing his last parent. The sandwich is becoming smaller. We are moving from the middle of the sandwich to the top layer. We will be the matriarch and the patriarch of the family and I think we are a little young for such a distinguished position. It also means we are moving up in years...and I am not thrilled with that notion either. Jim and I will have both lost our dads within the same year. Our children lost both grandfathers...and I feel hollow...drained...and just empty right now. I need for school to be over...and summer to be here. I need some time in my home without company or events...and just some peace. But....for now He will have to sustain us when we do not know how to pray as we ought....He will intercede with sighs too deep for words....and HE will carry us through when we don't have the energy or the strength to even be sad.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Moving Fast!

Life has moved so quickly...I need to stop and catch my breath...but there is just no time. The last couple of months have been a swirl of activity. Amy has been the center of all the excitement. It has been her time! There were showers, parties, appointments to keep and lists to check off. Just when you thought the "to do" list was checked off another appeared. Through it all we tried to remember to have fun. Although there were times we wondered! And now....it is all over and a memory. I blinked...and the wedding was over!

Amy was a breathtaking bride...and Greg was a man in love. His face when he saw her was priceless. It was the face a mother wants to see when she is looking at the man that will take care of her daughter. The music was so beautiful...and meaningful. The words said were so precious...the vows so genuine. It was a magical evening....and then they were gone. One day she was our Amy and the next day...she belonged to another. It is the way it should be...but it feels a little sad. Maybe it is because she is our baby...the last to leave the nest...or maybe it is because we just don't like the feel of change...but whatever it is there is just a little niggle of sadness.

During the whirl of activity...Katie whispered that she and Charles are once again expecting. They are hesitant to shout it out this time...memories of the past prevent them from celebrating. Their joy is quieter and more sedate. They are anxious...but I feel at peace for them. I am betting on another granddaughter. Early January should be a special time once again for all of us. Amy and Greg will be settling here in town just in time for the new arrival. Time will creep and time will fly.

While the young ones are multiplying and building their futures...Papa is declining. We held our breath during the week of the wedding...not sure if he would make it. He did...even rallied enough to attend the wedding. He is frail and fragile. He will be 92 on Friday. His days are not long on this old earth and I think he longs to go on.

This year has been an amazing, exhausting journey! Funerals, weddings, births and graduations...have all marked moments in time that are to be recognized with life ceremonies. Jim and I held on tight...we've shed tears of despair and tears of joy. The middle of the sandwich has been squeezed! And we have survived to tell the tale of it! :)

My first grandbaby! Miss Shelby Grace...

My first grandbaby! Miss Shelby Grace...
Gabby holding Shelby...what a little baby doll!

Second grandbaby! Miss Emma Grace!

Second grandbaby! Miss Emma Grace!
More than I can say "Grace" over... :)

Shelby

Shelby
Watering Daddy Bob's tree

Princess Shelby

Princess Shelby
Castles and ponies!

Princess Emma

Princess Emma
Tutus and feathered crowns...