Camp Creek Reflections

Jim and I just returned from a restful few days at Camp Creek. It is the perfect spot for reflection and evaluation...getting perspective on life. What a year it has been! Last summer while there I wrote in my journal that I felt as if I was preparing for something...waiting...getting ready. I think God's pacing is perfect...and he was allowing us to rest before the storms of life hit in August. Nine months later we had survived two funerals, a miscarriage and a wedding. This summer was a rest of recovery. This story of my life has included many chapters. I wonder sometimes....where am I in this story...am I approaching the climax with a cliff hanger....or could I be coming to the final chapters? Only God knows... I think I am glad about that!

I feel conflicted these days. I think I am growing old! How on earth can that be? In my mind I am young and fun! I want to do or leave behind something lasting...a legacy if you will. Recently, my sister in law told me of a friend of hers that died and during the funeral the preacher tossed a pair of bright yellow cleaning gloves across the podium...and stated that anyone that knew this gal knew about her rubber gloves! Everyone laughed. I didn't. She was remembered at her funeral for her passion for cleaning? I know that won't be said at my funeral! But...I do hope I would be remembered for qualities more significant than cleaning.

I want to leave a legacy to my grandchildren...a happy heart, a love of life, a grateful spirit, laughter...gifts that can't be purchased with money. I want to teach them about their real heritage...about their real Father. I am to teach them who He is....and how much He will love them their whole lives. I want them to recognize Him living in me. Oh boy....I have some straightening out to do!

I am 54 years old...I think! Well, I will be in a few weeks or so. I am not sure how gray I am. I keep it covered. I weigh more than I ever weighed in my life...even when I was 9 months pregnant...delivery date pregnant! I am beginning to notice my knuckles are swollen and my rings don't fit anymore. It takes a while to work the aches out in the morning. If I sit still too long I go to sleep! :) I miss the middle of lots of movies. I can't sleep at night....but could sleep just about any other time. It takes me several days to clean my house....I used to be able to get it done in half a day!

I have jowls! My eyelids lay heavily on my eyelashes. Wild black hairs sprout in the most peculiar places over night. Being regular has come to mean more than I could have ever imagined! And...it all just makes me mad!

Myself...is a contradiction! I feel a sense of urgency to "do something" and yet....I don't want to do anything! I want to paint....but I don't want to go to the trouble of getting it all out. I want to travel...but I don't want to leave home. I want to remodel the bedrooms...but it is just so much work. I want to save money....but...I spend it. I want to get rid of "stuff", only to buy more. I want to diet and get fit...but I want more chocolate cobbler from Angela's! I want to be more involved at church...but I don't want to make any commitments. I want the kids to come home for a visit....then I am relieved when they leave.

Am I normal? I don't care....or maybe I do care!? I think for the first time in a very long time I have choices. It is a very new feeling. Decisions can be made... the last 30 years or so there were no choices. I just did what needed to be done. SO....I am giving myself permission to ponder and decide. It is ok to do nothing for a little while....soon I'll move toward "something".....but just not today! :)